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420BC's profile
AGE:
25
LOC: Marietta, GA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 17
LOC: Marietta, GA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 17
I always get this question wrong. Of all the unexplained phenomena of the universe, I find myself to be the most futile.
Items
Version 1
17 Reviews
8 Comments
Precious grains of the hourglass wash, from somber stony faces. Stories of what have, lost, in the sediment. Pieces, of churning particulate, dance, in the waters at my feet.
Version 1
12 Reviews
13 Comments
Welcome to the Evil Empire, Check your humanity at the door. Take a number, have a seat, While you wait, here’s T.V. Don’t mind the lullaby, here to help you sleep, The nightmare you see is only in your dreams. Don’t get up; you’re loved too much to suffer, And you might slip, on the blood of your brother. We’ll wipe your ass, And treat your diaper rash, And recycle your shit into sound bite facts. Fear not, the howling you hear outside these walls This house of cards will never fall, Penetra...
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Reviews
Cool. Very depressing. Excellent description. Actually flowed pretty nicely. Great word choice. Great job.
Good job. The image is not real strong, but as I put it together with the content, I think of a memorial cemetery. Definitely prefer the first version. Would not change a thing.
You tell the story well. There are a few verb tense issues you need to correct. "with all my best friend Trish" perhaps "all" was not intended to be in the final draft. "My mom moving to a gated community is her...fantasy" is a little unclear, perhaps something like "moving to a gated community is (my moms)...fantasy. "As she mentioned," kinda sounds like the mom's telling the story before it happens. Could just be me, it's not a big deal. "The movers...outside." did not make any sense. Does ...
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