4everYours's profile

The beginning of this seems irrelevant, and takes a while to get into the story. Is this supposed to be a stand-alone piece, or a part of a novel? Because if it's a novel, it will be hard to determine what is needed and what isn't, yet as it is now it looks like it had a very definite ending. I'll just assume that what I see here is what it is! I liked the bit about him going back to his childhood, that was significant. Although you should think about from whose POV this is: the young David o...

I like the Prague stanza. Some of the stanzas, however, read more like ordinary lines broken up. The last stanza, you repeat 'box' twice. AUNTIE is like a list of statements. TOURISTS was an ok stanza, and i especially liked the references to tin onion domes - that was an interesting way of describing the roofs. I'm not sure of this poem, but I would have liked there to be more imagery like in the first and last stanza.

I think the first 6 lines were great. The rest, however, gets a bit much with clutter and unecessary language. It's as if you got a bit too melodramatic. The sudden appearance of 'thy' does not fit the piece. It's a very archaic term, very unlike your poem (also it's not consistant). Your rhyming is all over the place. If you want to rhyme, make it consistant. Keep to a rhythm, and try to avoid same-word rhyming and manipulating sntences just so they rhyme.