4everYours's profile
AGE:
23
LOC: Australia
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 09
LOC: Australia
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 09
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Items
Version 1
6 Reviews
2 Comments
Face down in the river, Aodhan watched the swirling shadows his hair cast over the rocky bed. Tiny schools of fish wiggled beneath and when he reached to stir the stones, they scattered in all directions. Puffs of dust rose in the disturbance just as Aodhan’s lungs began to ache for air. He pushed himself upright to tread water and parted the wet curtain of hair from his eyes. A slight movement in the foliage on the bank prickled his skin, but he dismissed it as imagination. Low hanging...
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Reviews
Yeah I get it. There are a few versions of this joke, is this one your own?
He is a human, well was - you don't need to say this, just say "He was human" youngest Sister - why is this capitalised? He then grabbed the man by the arm jerked him within a head’ ... this sentence needs commas; there's a list of about 3 or 4 actions and no commas at all. Do not use multiple question marks or exclamation marks, it will make your work look very amateurish. What period is this in? I was very confused... the mood, clothing, weapons, all seem like medieval, but your use of "fuc...
This was great. There were three technical bits I picked out, so I’ll get them out of the way first: was her eyes – WERE her eyes the young with whom she lived was entirely opposite – missing a word in it’s own way; - ITS I see no flaws in your writing, you have a very good command of language. The only thing I can think of is rearranging some things. You start with the psychiatrist, but is he a significant character? Doesn’t seem to be, and you should start with a significant character. You ...
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