- I like it, though I don't think it's necessary to mention WWJD I would cut- now that i have a beard i wonder- what would jesus do?- it tightens it up and gets the same point across.. though i think by cutting that stanza it's tone is more focused.

thought shift at the end really isn't a shift, it's tied to the opening line, therefore this isn't a haiku..

as I waited for the D train yesterday, a man in tattered clothing approached me line 2 (edges, and ) take out the comma, unnecessary. and watch the ands... otherwise.. effective..

i'm not really sure this has any dramatic potential. Nothing is going on... I understand it is a rant, perhaps being presented with the other pieces this might make sense, but as it stands it is just shallow brutality for the sake of shallow shocking brutality. I get what you're saying about showing the bad side, but this is just seems like psychological exploitation. I keep trying to picture this as a modern dance piece, and maybe it might work, but as theatre... there is nothing but a fragm...

cliche's it's funny cause its true.

I think it's a very good piece. I'm not sold on Danny D. though, I see more of a Paul Giamatti type playing the role. I myself have written several comedic stories about god and jesus, I also wrote a passover comedy about moses- I mean, the guy had a lisp-. With a sarcastic style of humor religious ideology finally becomes understandable and sane. It is refreshing to see a contemporary take on religious themes, hell the greeks did effectively, why should we cower from such ripe material. One ...

this is nice for what it is but I am not really into structured poetry. If you are interested in expanding your craft, go get a copy of "the teachers and writers handbook of poetic forms"... I have been using it for almost 10 years and it is a great way to expand your bag of tricks...

I don't see anything that needs correction.. I would go ahead and submit to a journal.

note- milkshakes are usually front of house... (waitstaff) page two second line (City)- city page 2 3rd paragraph- (had slipped (escaped) her (or + out of her control) "day dragged itself", two lines down "Slowly the day wore away", I would cut one or the other, its not exact repetition but it still reads like it. page 3 top- and sighed. “My back is KILLING me!” she said. -a little awkward page 3- second to last paragraph- like "so many austere foot soldiers aligned against a foe who had yet ...