I liked your story but it needs revision. The idea of going back and forth in time is a good one. It took me a long time to use that technique. Each jump in time must be important though and have a meaning. There were a couple of places where the content was mixed up in the wrong chapters and some spelling and grammar errors but nothing a good editor can't fix up in a jiffy. However, you may want to correct them yourself if you're going to send it in for a contest or something. All in all, br...

I liked your book and I think you have a shot at getting an agent. I don't have one and I've been looking for a long time. About the story, try to talk and have your characters speak exactly like they would in real life. Don't let them use more than one syllable words unless they speak that way in real life. I don't mind the cussing. Most people do it. Keep up the good work and I hope to read more from you in the future. All you need is love, John T.

I liked your story and think you have a definite knack for writing. Keep up the good work. I'm 57 and just getting the hang of it now. Keep the drama up through the whole piece. It's short enough to do that. Make it scary, make that reader feel chilled to the bone. Just one suggestion. Or have them fall in love or something. Anything to wind up on a dramatic note. Also, "show," don't "tell" the reader. Use descriptive words and show the reader what people look like, how they think, what the s...

I am so digging the language. I assume it's how people really talk there and that's what I mentioned before is you need that for realism. The next task for you is to injecte drama. The reader should be thiniking "where is this going" and "what's going to happen next," so you might want to inject some fear or danger or something in the very beginning so that's always on the readers mind. Maybe she's being chased from the city and is laying low from a bad dope deal. Maybe she's got cancer. You ...

I found your writing style impeccable. It fits you to a tee. I think you have a bright future in writing as long as you stick to the facts, Jack. Think about all the Alfred Hitchcock movies where the viewer doesn't know what will happen until the very end. Just give little clues that could lead to any conclusion. I noticed a couple of times where you changed tenses that didn't seem to fit. The second one and the next to last one, I think. Other than that, I honestly can't be more critical. Ke...

Great story! There are some minor flaws that could be easily fixed by a good editor but all in all, I think it's publishable given that you maintin your tension and come up with a plausible ending. So, hang in there Mr. Big Seller, it looks like you've got a winner on your hands. I've done a lot of reviews and I've never selected a piece as a favorite, but I'm going to do that with yours. So many young writers fail to realize that there is publishablity and there is fictional writing. This is...

I think you did a fantastic job for a first draft. The tension and suspense was just enought to keep my attention, although there were a few points where it dragged a little. I'd take everything out about her department and partner problems and save that for her to be thinking about while she's doing the paperwork she so despises. That would be a kind of "denouement" I think it's called (a part where the action slows down or a period of explanation). Do you like the name Tya? It's OK but mayb...

I'm sure this will turn out to be a fine book by the time you're finished with it. You're a good writer and will get better with time. I don't know that much technically about writing but I've had more than 500 articles published so I must be doing something right. So here are some tips: I personally don't like one short sentence after another. If there is any way to combine two into one I'd say do it. It keeps the story moving along without the reader having to break, which is what the perio...

If you are 13 you're a really good writer for that age. I won't go over any of the grammar, spelling and punctuation since a good editor will catch that. The story is what's important anyway; and a good action/adventure story needs tension to keep it going. Do you know some authors spend hours writing their first sentence. Some stories are so revered that people still remember the first line word for word. Make your first sentence memorable. Also, start off with something exciting or action p...

Well done for a person as young as you state. There are numerous small problems with the grammar, punctuation, sentence run-ons and the like but nothing that any good editor couldn't polish up. You kept the tension high which is important, especially in the beginning of the piece. Many stories are remembered for the first sentence and I would go back over your first sentence and make it less unremarkable. The King was furious! is just one of a thousand examples. All in all, I think you have a...