This is way better. I would caution you to be a little bit careful. There is always a sniffing out process with people, the parents don't know Kate and apparently have never even heard about her, that they would be beaming would only possibly be a reaction to her looks. Remember, they do not know who they are and no matter how bad they want their son to be in a rewarding and happy relationship, I still doubt that they wouldn't at least hold some reservations. Also, I would be interested to fi...

This is very good. The end is chilling. I like your idea that most adults don't really "live" when they are older, and I liked how you used an unexpected source (Death) to illustrate that point. I also like how you portrayed the way that adults ignore things like this by talking about mom seeing him once in the closet but then just never checking the closet again, denial is a very strong issue for adults, and frankly, they are good at it. I like how you used dreaming, but that seemed like the...

As far as telling a story in 100 words, I think that this worked. It was interesting and seemingly inexplicable. Still, I liked what you did with the length of the story that you had to work with and I enjoyed the amount of details you fit in with only so few words to work with. I felt like I got a sense of what was going on and why. Thanks for sharing. Good stuff. Keep writing. Can't say anything bad about this... pretty ambitious projec, though.

I thought this was pretty good, however, the whole time I didn't know whether or not the character knew and had spent time with this person, in the end it seemed like they had, but I guess I was confused. My favorite part was by far when I thought that the main character had never really known this person... "i wish you could see me then, the light in my eyes and the smile on my face." What a wonderful, beautiful thought of longing and also true and honest to goodness self esteem where you wo...

First, a critique. I think that you need to focus your writing a little more. Break it up a little bit, using more paragraphs and try not to use excess words, when you are telling a story like this, a lot of times, less is more. Also, you introduced and refered back to a major plot point, the visit to find the soul mates. I am wondering, was the boy in the water the soul mate, did the main character and Gaye realize that they were soul mates? I don't know, and as a literary device, ending the...

In a lot of ways, this is a powerful piece. You spent a lot of time developing Cally’s character in the beginning, but we only saw glimpses of the story of her life and it left me wanting a little bit more. Don’t tell me how she is… show me. There were several problems in relation to usage of words, I would suggest that you take this into Word which will give you the corrections that you need to make, for example: near the end you spell ‘soul’ as sole. Big difference, the reader will know wha...

Initally, I began to think that we were supposed to sympathize with Stinkhole. Later, we were supposed to be cheering Jack's "recovery." My problem with that is that we weren't really ever given any reason to hope for Jack to prevail other than (I guess) human goodness. I guess I would like to know a little more about Jack. Again, in the beginning I'm thinking that we are taking a different perspective on Stinkhole, this is just a job for him, we all have jobs, sometimes they are hard or we a...

I think this seemed very realistic. One thing that I would say is that you should pick an older sounding name for the Amanda character. The 'Amanda' name doesn't seem like it has been around very long and it's hard to believe that that is a woman who has been dead for one hundred years name. That is probably my biggest problem. Other than that, I think that the piece is strong. I think the idea of him talking to someone who is dead is intrguing and this seems like the beginning of a bigger pr...

Okay, wow, I really liked what you did. I think it is really smart, and a lot of the passages for me were immeasureably deep. Still, I think that the end was the most beautiful part of the piece. It took me back a little. I think that you definantly achieved the goal of making each passage able to qualify as it's own poem. I would like to see where this is going, but your idea of a schizophrenic is interesting. Steer with cattle prod, into blind spot Lye still, molly coddled qualms Its bile d...

I would just say that we should make sure that we don't let others draw those lines for us. I think though, this could work if you dropped "others" and just say that when we draw a line we should make sure that it isn't drawn in permanent marker. I guess maybe you are talking about this within the scope of a relationship or as a child, this works in both of those situations, but in a broad sense, I think that we should allow ourself more free will than to say that we would let others draw lin...