The beginning was very strong because we are getting alot not out of your grandfather himself but out of the way he is presenting the African-Americans in the stroy. I would actually like to see more of a focus on that him telling his stories because his proformances are what I found interesting about the piece. The airs he puts on and how he asserts himself at the expense of others would make the ending feel less disjointed. I didn't see the ending coming because their was so little of the G...

Overall I think the imagrey is striking and powerful. Yet, it runs into a couplee of problems for me first with the wording, the sentence structure and the phrases. My first problem is the inconsistancy with the color of the moon in the first paragraph, is it silver or gold. Also, the line A Cameo of beauty seems overdone, almost garish. Thirdly, your sentence structure breakes down that I find confusing such as "The sound is as sharp as a whisper directly in the ear at dark." I would adverti...

Firsly, I am sorry to hear about your Grandpa. Secondly,my first piece of advice is to cut the first two stanzas of your piece or rework them to create stronger images because the third stanzas especially, the fourth line are soild and cliche free. From thoses line I know you have the ablity to make stronger images so that the piece feels more consistant. Cheers -Abraxsis

I think it was a good excercise but adopting form does not mean you abandone image. The lack of images, inconsistant line lengths and weak end-stops hurt this poem for me. Try reading so Rachel Hadas or Anthony Hecht so you get an idea of how to shape image around form. -Abraxsis

I think it is a strong surrealist piece. I like most of it except the top of the second page I would consider finding some way to revise the ellipses out. Consider "Cause the body lies a sense at a time; call it nonsense the spinning." -Abraxsis

Consider putting the couplets together instead of having thrm float. Also, most of what you are writing is in the imperative vioce except the last line, consider trying to make it consistant. -Your Abraxsis

I liked the piece but it seems to fall somewhere between flash fiction and prose poetry. The reason I say this is because the scene is well defined, but it doesn't have a story arc to it. The detail about the preacher and the only woman no using a fan. It seem you want to sketch out a relationship between them but then you don't have the time to finish it. As a piece of prose poetry I would focus of developing the image of the preacher focusing on the woman mid-sermon, what glance and silent ...

In the first half of the piece and you create a driving rhtyhm. Your rythm is more based on words per line the end rhyme. I would suggest you rework around the first five or six lines and you lose alot of power when you go to long or to short stay to five or six word lines because the provide you the most punch. -Abraxsis

It is cute. I love the quote.

I like the poem and I think it is crying out for a form to match the subject matter because your line are unwieldy. Moveover, one line in particular pulled me out of "How can one touch the lips of nothingness—a dark abyss?" this line either needs to be cut or clarified because it doesn't do any work in your piece Have a great night. -Abraxsis