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Adonai's profile
AGE:
22
LOC: Layton, UT
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 17
LOC: Layton, UT
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 17
“The train of my thoughts has derailed!”
I destest these descriptions. Simply for the fact that I can no wise describe myself. So, I will start simply. I am the youngest of 7. I am now 19 years old. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints, and I love it. I’m going to serve a 2 year mission soon. I will be going to Paraguay, and I hope and pray to be ready when it is time for me to leave. I love to write, usually to express my thoughts, my heart, and my dreams. I strive to keep an optimistic view on everything, at times it can be difficult, but I trust in God for strength and courage. The hard times don’t seem quite as difficult when you can see the purpose in it. Well, if you want to know something …
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Making Promises I told you that I would, I didn't. I promised that I would never forget, I did. I swore with my whole heart that I would love you, I'm still trying to do that. Yet, for all the promises You have made to me. You have honored every one. You have never forgotten a jot, nor a tittle. You promised me joy, I was filled. You promised me peace, I am free. You promised me Eternal Life, And I know that you will grant it, when I deserve it. You made us a promise long ago, And though we h...
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Ch.1 My name is... I awoke gasping for air. The taste being foul, and hot, scorched my throat as it poured into my chest. It seemed, as my first breath. Bloody sand was caked around the edges of my mouth, and a few new injuries became known as I tried to move. The wind around me was arid, like sandpaper rubbing against my skin. I opened my eyes, but could not see. After a time blinded by the intense white light; my sight adjusted to the radiance of the distant sun. I lifted my face from the s...
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Chapter 2 Mask of Ignorance Imagine waking up to darkness. It’s like your mind awoke, but forgot how to wake up the body. A voice speaks softly, so softly in fact, it’s impossible to make out the words. Like an echo it repeats, but with every repetition it grows louder. “Corporal. Corporal, get down!” A man dressed in desert camouflage waved his hand, motioning me toward him, while his other hand clasped the rifle at his side. The camouflage he wore looked like what I had imagined a cow that ...
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Chapter 2 Mask of Ignorance Imagine waking up to darkness. It’s like your mind awoke, but forgot how to wake up the body. A voice speaks softly. So softly in fact, it’s impossible to make out the words. Like an echo it repeats, but with every repetition it grows louder. “Corporal. Corporal, get down!” A man dressed in desert camouflage waved his hand, motioning me toward him (while his other hand clasped the rifle at his side). The camouflage he wore looked like what I had imagined a cow that...
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Version 1
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Ch.1 My name is... I awoke gasping for air. The air being foul, and hot, scorched my throat as it poured into my chest. It seemed, as my first breath. Bloody sand was caked around the edges of my mouth, and a few new injuries became known as I tried to move. The wind around me was arid, almost like sandpaper rubbing against my skin. I opened my eyes, but could not see. After a time blinded by the intense white light; my sight adjusted to the radiance of the distant sun. I lifted my face from ...
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In the beginning, it is a bit redundant with the window. Try rewording it or organizing it differently. I'm assuming you mean "it" here, and you should have a comma before "but"; "It was a cheap shot but he didn’t let him affect him" I like this line, but you might want to reword it, so it will flow better, "a surprise in the form of a knife catching him full in the face." This sentences doesn't quite make sense, "she let loose her bottled up..." It's redundant when you say, "She lost her hal...
The story is great-my only criticism is your sentence structure. There are quite a few run-on sentences, areas that warrant punctuation, and some sentences that need to be revised. e.g. "on rotten fruit and vegetable" "she could not quell the flaring anger at Steven." The harsh words between Caroline and Steven is brilliant. They seem and feel very realistic. Your characters' backgrounds are well drawn, and I look forward to reading where you will take them.
Is it an SUV or a jeep? "Your SUV rolled eight times before smashing into the median. The Jeep was totaled" That is a great twist to your story, very unexpected and dramatic. The transitions from character to character seem a little abrupt in the beginning-overall it's well written. It could stand alone, but you might be able to carry these characters further if this is meant to be more than a short story. Great work.
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