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Aeryn's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 15
LOC: United Kingdom
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 15
I am a young writer using Urbis to hone my writing, so that when i eventually collate the book I am writing into a single piece it is as good as possible. I am very open minded and possibly a lot crazier then I seem, but overall harmless :P
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For if I saw an Angel Lying in a field of gold Then I would be the poorest man But happy all the same
Version 1
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Sentinel Prologue It was an omen of things to come. The night sky lay like a blanket of black satin laced with diamonds covering Galor. Like it had done since before even the first beings had gazed into its inky depths. Before the tribes had told stories of the great star gods. Before the shamans had screamed in guttural tones of mighty beings of light that had done battle in the heavens against beings of great evil. They spoke of how these Angels had martyred their bodies upon the great fiel...
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I apologise if i have already reviewed this but, all the same The emotions in this piece are very powerful and evocative, and as a matter of fact i found it quite easy to read. our work is very unusual in that it seems to indicate a cry for help yet at the same time a fear of the hand that would be offered to raise you from your torment. As to your agent objective i believe for this kind of work a broad spectrum of material is appropriate, so as to showcase in the most complete sense your tal...
Quite a powerful piece. Personally I think your style is quite good. Your imagery is quite evocative yet at times confusing, although the principle behind things is fine you tend to use imagery that seems to try to hard at times. The best images are simple and elegant at first and only after close scruitiny reveal their double meanings. I wiould agree that cutting it down will onl improve on what is potentially a very powerful message. Keep it up!
Overall a good short story. Your choice of a young character was interesting but i feel trades innocence for understanding. If the character were say between 10-16 instead of 4-7 what would have been the difference? When writing from the point of view of someone not in your age group how does that affect yours. Also you sometimes use short sentences where you could combine them with more effective language such as: He saw mother standing in the doorway. She had tears in her eyes. She stood th...
Quite good ,you utilise your words well to highlight your main theme while remaining distant yourself from the 'sources'. The only advice i can think to give you is that if you are looking for a specific reaction to your work try to cut down on double meanings and be careful of your grammer. Otherwise well rounded. Keep it Up!
Nice, you utilise the broken stanzas well and i actually think it was a good choice to display the poem in this fashion. Apart from the first of your double question marks. (From so deep? is the ? necessary)I can see partly why but it breaks up the piece in the wrong place for me personally. You have certinaly achieved your last goal for me. A brilliant approach to highlighting the black sheep among the flock of normality. Keep it up!
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