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Amadan's profile
AGE:
18
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 06
LOC: Australia
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 06
Greetings, fellow Urbisians! I started writing here because before i found urbis, the only critiquing i ever got was from friends who can barely read, so when antoher friend told me about urbis, i immedietly joined. Im 16, almost certainly taller than you(Im like 6’4) and like to think of myself as an amusing person. Well, review my stuff, and if you cant find anything good to say about it, dont say anything, or ill hunt you down and be irritating :P.
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A slow burning coal of hate Quietly waiting for the chance to flare Wanting the rage to come quickly And sear the pain away. Revenge should never be cold Do not lose the fire of hatred that spawned The vengeance in your heart And the steel in your eyes. I had left the Game of Blades Retired quietly away, before I fell But there were those who wanted me back Not from friendship, but for the chance to destroy me. The rules forbid attacking non-players And are enforced more rigidly than any oth...
Version 1
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I am the artist, though I do not starve, I please my audiance no less I am the voice within, though I cannot speak, I whisper to you always I am the form that holds you close when you need love, that praises you when you do good, and whispers you to try right I am the form that sings to you softly, that caresses your cheek, that helps in times of need. I am the form that prays for you when you cry, that dries your tears and helps you back on your feet. I am the body that wishes you luck, and ...
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See how the fire seems to come from the lake. There's an evil one there, who won't let me wake. A sinister person, who invades my dreams. Pulling the soul from me or so it seems.. Looking and prying into my life, speaking so harshly, tongue cuts like a knife. I wish I could run, I wish I could hide, But those evil dark eyes always pull me inside. Back into my dreams, where I can't seem to wake, Back into the fire, that comes from the lake.
Version 1
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In every man's life, there comes a time when you are confronted with a path. Whichever direction you choose will be the last. Whether you keep on the beaten way, or turn and lead yourself astray. Stray into a place unknown, and hope for the best as you go on alone. Leave behind all you've ever called home, and hope for the best on your own. It’s never a choice others will understand. It’s never a choice with which they'll lend a hand. You can never expect forgiveness; you can never hope to re...
Version 2
12 Reviews
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The mood was tense, there were several focused stares being directed at the table as the cards were shown. “Dammit!!” rang out as one of the players was forced to declare bust and leave the game. There were now four players left, two of moderate standing and the others so far ahead of them in their massive piles of chips that they laughed at all the foolish attempts to beat them. “Fuck it, I’m all in” one of the players declared abruptly and pushed forward his moderate pile of chips,even befo...
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Reviews
Absolutely brilliant! The first two lines of the second stanze made this poem perfect. In fact, the intire second stanze was great. But, I think a full stop is needed after the second line the the final stanza, "Paradox of instinct,Two bodies make this sight." I liked this part of the first stanza, "I see his eyes, within them a blade". I think that you should have kept the paragraph's the same lenghth. It would have made it flow better. But still, 10/00! Excellant write!
First off, A very well written piece. Well done. Ok, now one or two of the things I'd fix up are: Just make sure all your spelling is correct, "Shinning" for example. And "thru". Sorry but I personally hate shorthand like that, and in this particular poem I feel it detracts from the standard found everywhere else in the poem. I thought the third stanza was brilliant, and repeating it as the final made my day:). A great write
Your first stanza was very well done, the Bard was firmly established by the end of it and reading the poem was a delight. But i think that you should have stuck with the idea of a person, rather than an object. "Maestro" in the third continued the theme, but "canvas" in the second.... Very good vocab, and the single lines between each stanza is a style I always enjoy reading. Also, i liked the way you gradually narrowed each stanza, focusing the reader on the final line. So, other than perha...
Very good, and the greek mythology influence was very good. The end was slightly ambigous, not story-wise but character-wise. It seems to suggest that Posieden was female? Not to sure... But otherwise, very good. :)
Good write. You needed punctuation however, because there isn't a single full stop or comma. It gives the poem a sort of "half-finished" feel, and doesn't really let the full power of the imagery come through, because the reader is constantly waiting for a break in the long unbroken paragraphs. On to more positive things though, the imagery in this poem, brilliant, simply brilliant. The images you crafted appeal directly to what everyone wants and dreams of a summer. It is a very wistful sort...
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