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AndreParent's profile
AGE:
24
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 27
LOC: LA, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 27
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Items
Version 1
6 Reviews
1 Comment
FOUR-TEEN The night passed like a dream. I was left on a dark street corner in Twentynine Palms. I heard the sound of crickets and animals. A baby cried from inside a nearby house. The streets were deserted. I wandered around until I found a convenience store. The doors were locked. The clerk was asleep in a chair. His feet were propped up on the counter. There was a Penthouse magazine on his lap. He was snoring. I sat on a curb in front of the store. I wasn’t sure what to do. After a while a...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
7 Reviews
2 Comments
Downtown Los Angeles slid past me. From behind polished windows the city looked pleasant. I couldn’t hear the police helicopters, smell the piss or feel the sun beat down through the smog. Those things were outside and disconnected from me. The train was a magic tunnel, an iron serpent cutting through East L.A. It was Saturday morning. We rolled alongside the L.A. River, through the outskirts of downtown and into an industrial district. The streets were empty. The factories were still. Stray ...
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Reviews
Good work. The flow works nicely, the voice is just right. There are some issues with minor typos, someone will mention them, someone always does. The large block of text in italics I am not sure works, it is a bit distracting. Also, was the intended? 'Mike opens the screen door and tosses the gun in. The door bangs closed and I flinch. (Woods? Cuffs?)'
I think you need to flesh this out a LOT. The first part, the speech by the black president is paltry. A president would say much more, the reporters would ask questions. The soldier Morelis. If he is scottish, and speaks with a scottish accent, why is he wearing the uniform of US marines. Doesn't make sense. The dialogue needs some serious work. I can't see the people saying what they say. Hope this helps.
Good: She merely regarded him with no emotion, a blank business stare, one that showed neither pity nor mockery. casting dark, depressing shadows across the scuffed wooden courts The lady gave him a dark glance and walked away. The doors shut again. Bad: Words like 'rebelliously' The quick transition from calm to violence. Build it up a little. Don't be afraid to flech the story out. It could be twice or thrice as long and would work better.
This started pretty slow and uninspiring but picked up nicely. It gained speed and came into itself. The passage voice is fine, a few minor typos, but nothing very major. The dialogue is strong. The sci-fi angle threw me for a loop a little bit. The way the people speak, the way they are described sort of feels in this time. Then it's in the future. That part was sort of hard to swallow, other than that, nice work.
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