AndrewKane's profile
AGE:
23
LAST LOGIN: October 21
LAST LOGIN: October 21
I write a bit.
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Version 2
2 Reviews
0 Comments
Try as I might, my words won’t heal the hole you left in me. No matter how many substances I ingest. Don’t worry. I can hold my own dick now. I’m old enough. You can’t call me a young boy from the ocean anymore. I'm not a dream. I am not your statue. But I’ll stay forever inside my thoughts of you fucking JonPaul (the man who’s not my friend) in the shower-room of a cheap hotel while your boyfriend waited for you in Rome. And I waited for you in the cheap h...
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Version 1
3 Reviews
0 Comments
You are a dishonest woman. Pretending to not understand is silly. As you have always pretended to not understand yourself. I hope you are happy with your Paris Hilton flowers. But I know you will grow tired of them very quickly as I have grown tired of the flowers you have given me. Short little quips of nothingness followed by sweetness. Nothing more than snipped roses who die very quickly.
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Version 1
4 Reviews
1 Comment
She lost sight of her lovers face. A desperate new emotion took hold. When was the last time jealousy filled your blood? Like a frozen knife pumping through you.
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
3 Reviews
3 Comments
The worst type of man is the kind that cannot forgive. I am the worst type of man. So eat my shit. ... The best and only relationship is one of trust. So spread your legs and fuck someone else. ... Your cunt was stretched anyhow by the large girth of Italian men. They puffed and pounded you before you met me a man who ran his fingers across your skin while your hairs stand on end. Oh yes I remember how your face looked in those most delicate moments. Like laughter deep down. A flower blooming...
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Version 1
5 Reviews
4 Comments
The two stood running. Holding hands in front of the 1960's Chevrolet. It was green and the girl wore white. A white cotton blouse. Now the girl sits in a red high backed chair. The plush seat leans softly into her-- Victorian. She moves her lips oddly when she speaks, like chewing on gum, and slowly opens her eyes and looks blindly forward. Those cheeks. They are puffed out from too much laughing. Stained red from blushing. The room is filled with old antiques and old books and an old woman....
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The "mystery" "history" line is very weird. "Keep us green??" "And now your free..." "You're" would be correct grammar. Last line-- you may want to change that to "through" This poem needs a lot of work-- the rhyming doesn't work a lot of places. Suggestion for a title is no title, or the same title as your book.
Need to correct grammar, example, "...when something vanishes?" I think the story would be stronger if you started with, "For two months..." it's a much more powerful sentence. CUT-- "Along with other people..." sentence. It doesn't make sense until the next paragraph. You need to clean up this writing, it's very interesting and I highly recommend that you put the time in to make this better. Read, "The Elements of Style" by EB White. "My shouting was pointless she wasn’t here." is a good exa...
Really liked, "sound was similar to... cartilage cracked against wolf teeth" The metaphor is GREAT but the writing can be improved. "so much" should be cut, the cartilage probably doesn't "crack" but still, metaphor is lovely!! It does exactly what a metaphor is supposed to do-- add depth to the scene. You are a good writer but need to expand your rhythm. The third line down with three sentences needs to be fixed. Each sentence ends the same, "tacky fans" "flabby necks" "steel teeth" Forth li...
Needs a lot of work. A good point to start from is the sentence "Yes! It's coming quickly now!" I really liked how it was the boy's voice and this should happen throughout the poem. The rest of the poem is written very oddly, like you're trying to be someone else, "For I knew in my green heart" who talks or even writes like that? "This hole, round and concave" Come on. OF COURSE a hole is concave!! It's a hole. Work on this a bit more.
Don't know what you're referring to. If this is a historical reference you should have put it in the "notes for reviewer". If not then this needs work.
0.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
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