AnimusLight's profile

"He held out a joint to Claire"... It'd sound a lot better if it's a continuation from the quote.. "...he said, holding out a joint to Claire." A little less blocky. The "breasts jiggle" bit could probably be more amusing/less awkward if you didn't use the word "jiggle." Why not just "bounce with her coughs" or something of the sort? Decent work. Keep at it. My biggest tip to you would be to make it less of a script and more of a story. There needs to be more narration and a lot less straight...

The first sentence needs to be changed. The first thought that entered my head was, "How can a train be lonely?" There's not much to personify the train just yet, so even if you want to do it, you'll have to do it later. It should seem more like the narrator projecting humanisms onto the train rather than qualities the train possesses itself. The first five sentences start with "I (verb)." Try to vary it a little bit more, because this gets boring fast. "What made you do what you did today?" ...

I don't like your first sentence. Starting with "mostly" seems strange, as there's no pretext for it. I do like the choppiness of the narration, though. Few writers are good enough to do that and get across the tone that they are trying to. YOu do it very well. By the time the shoe paragraph gets in, I'm really intrigued and captivated by what this cup is, since I'm pretty sure it's not really a cup. Good way to keep a reader interested. A little further down... I'ms tarting to get the impres...

Okay, suffice to say, I don't really understand the story. But it was hilarious all the same. It has this bizarre twist on the reality of it all. I have only minor suggestions. First, "Dave grunted noncommittally." I'm pretty sure that's not a word. And I'm also pretty sure you weren't trying to suggest that he wasn't committed to his grunt. I don't think you need to have a qualifier for this statement. Dave grunting alone is indication enough of his not wanting to play the game. Second, ther...