Anonymous_Kb's profile
AGE:
19
LOC: Big Bear Lake, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 18
LOC: Big Bear Lake, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 18
This is a place to improve my writing. Any reviews would be appreciated.
myspace.com/kyleman05
Items
Version 1
9 Reviews
7 Comments
i never grabbed her hand or lay my head in her lap during the night bus ride home nor did it dawn on me the next stop could be the final before our departure i hurriedly wrote scripture with type “o” ink to the passing streetlights unaware if even her bowed head would catch a glimpse of the words silhouetted on her windowsill scrawled on a busy street they rested at her eye level ready for her lowered gaze upon the route she traveled endlessly
Version 1
30 Reviews
0 Comments
Another day ebbs slowly into twilight. The sweet sea breeze blows along the gentle grass covered hillside where it meets the white sand beaches. The moon peeks over the darkening horizon, illuminating the white sand and the two figures who sit upon it. Their silhouettes, cast in an eternal embrace, are etched upon the sand. A silent understanding, perhaps displayed through a sense of longing, reverberates louder then the waves crashing upon the shoreline. Their simple gaze runs deeper then an...
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Reviews
At my first read of this piece I had no clue what to think. It honestly took me multiple reads to develop some understanding for what I believe you’re portraying to the reader. Perhaps im over analyzing it, but it feels like this is an appeal to a lover to “walk in his/her shoes” to experience the same feelings, or to see life from the same point of view. Perhaps the whole point of the piece is to frame one of man kind’s deepest desires to share experiences with a loved one. After all, isn’t ...
I believe you have creative ideas, however, in order for those ideas to become interesting to other readers (the ones who will be purchasing your books) you have to SHOW them, not tell. Right now, all you’re doing is telling the reader what is happening. Conversely, the characters, plot, feelings, and setting, should be developed by showing. Let the reader figure out that your main character is mad at her parents through her actions. Right now you tell the reader that she is mad at her parent...
Interesting poem. However, the initial thing that jumps out at me is your spelling mistake of humorous. No one is perfect, and especially me in that category, but its always nice to run it though a spell check. Also, you start using punctuation halfway through your poem. Perhaps it is justified, creating an effect you wanted to create as the author, but I felt like a comma here and there, and perhaps a period, would make reading it go more smoothly. On a lighter note, I did enjoy this piece. ...
100.0% Review Quality (3 Votes)
I had to read this piece a few times to gather as much meaning from it as possible, and I feel it could still use a few more reads. I enjoyed your 3rd stanza the most because you incorporated so much imagery and meaning into such a small stanza, I feel it deserves applause. Your first stanza where you state “Where we lay after our lay” tripped me up the first time through, but I feel it is very elegantly stated, and Im sure you used the repetition on purpose. Nice read.
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