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AGE:
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LAST LOGIN: May 11
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Version 1
13 Reviews
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Blood and Gun Smoke Blood. Gun smoke. They hung in the air, yet not a shot had been fired nor a drop spilled. It was almost as if nature was giving a prophecy. They had a metallic taste and burned your nose. My company moved in a solemn silence, heads hung low; the only sound was twigs being snapped under fast moving feet. The air was tense, because many of the men here knew that this war would kill them, but still others were upbeat. My uniform was torn, and the blue had almost been obscured...
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It reads like the orignal Stephen King, and I like Stephen King. One thing though, "apon" is spelled "upon," just so you know. You don't need the breaks in the parts, and that would smooth it out. You need to add a few commas and fix some of the grammer(that's not in the dialog), and it will be good. Sehr gut, Es ist sehr gut.
I don't think that the lines are too long at all. I don't think the title fits it, but I might be missing something. "Canadians are way too nice." This line is the only one I have a problem with. I think you could leave out the "way". "China isn’t geting any smaller" This line just seemes to stand out, because it doesn't really rhyme anywhere else.
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I don't know if it was meant to be, but it made me laugh. It seems like it's the beginning of a chapter, not a prolog. You could add more, but this is a good beginning. It seems realistic, and I want to see more.
I thought Limeriks were fer children, but this is a good one... Just don't show it to any young kids.
It's confusing, but very intriging. The one thing I don't like about it, "... I am abnormal, mad, weird, emotionally void, and out of touch." I know a few... out of touch people in my life, but I don't think anyone of them would really admit they were any different, mad if you will, then anyone else. I think this makes it seem like you're trying to get across that his is weird, which you shouldn't do. You should tell let the reader find this out for them self.
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