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AGE:
27
LOC: Fort Worth, TX
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 04
LOC: Fort Worth, TX
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 04
I’ve been reading stories here for a while, “listening” to critiques and trying to implement better writting into my story. I think that if someone can take and use what the “bad review ninjas” say, then they should be a writer. Having said that, HEY! Bad Reveiw Ninja! Bring it on.
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Version 1
12 Reviews
10 Comments
Things Hidden Ann Glenn was a quiet girl at Hale High, Wellington, Nevada. All her life she was over looked, forgotten, and outright ignored. So on her seventeenth birthday, when she walked into the breakfast room, and no one noticed her, it did not surprise her. She had entered the room, picked up her books from the counter, and walked out the room. She thought that no one simply noticed her, but she had not been seen. To her family, all seated at the table, her books vanished from the count...
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I prefer the second tag, and the first is intriguing as well- it makes want to open the door or book, whichever. The first one appeals to me the most because it hints at a somewhat dark/sarcastic humour thaat I really enjoy in a book. The third is compelling in that it relates to the reader that some action will abound in the book. The last three sound like cheesy movie tags; the kind of movie that has great action sequences but no real plot to push it along.
I'm not particularly good with grammer, all that I noticed was that this sentence seemed to be missing a word. --His muzzle was stained with black as were the bed sheets.-- to me it would make sense with black blood, but someone else might be a better judge. The dialoge in the hall was interesting, I like the references to Princes Bride and Dungen and Dragons. Only thing I have a problem with is the term silverfied. Perhaps a more menacing term could be created. Overall, an entertaining read.
I understand that this portion is to be a set up for what will happen later in the book, but following the action of the prolouge it feels slow. Perhaps a bit more action right at the begining. You could have the refugees spotted maybe introducing Ulan, then have Kali think over things as she ride to Rowan. Then again you may have the pace quickly pick up after she arrives at the village. For me, the plot is interesting enough that I would continue to read it. Though the very beginning has sh...
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