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ArielRed's profile
AGE:
30
LOC: Chester, NH
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 26
LOC: Chester, NH
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: October 26
I am a book and film critic for several publications and submission editor for both a print and ezine literary journal. I also write monthly columns on art and fashion for both print and web.
A published author, journalist, and poet.
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Version 1
3 Reviews
0 Comments
Pink mouth to the sky, White hands gripping a soft throat, Star gazer lilies
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Version 1
47 Reviews
7 Comments
We passed a little boy, dead, on the side of the road just outside of Auburn, New Hampshire. We had seen our share of bodies on our way, some fresh kills, some not. This one was different. Enough of the old ways still persisted that someone, a father or an adopted aunt, usually took the time to bury a dead child. . . even if they wouldn't take the time to bury anyone else. Stan looked him over, from a distance of a few feet. He couldn’t find a mark on the boy but that didn’t make me feel any ...
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I like the first stanza, although it is a bit sing songy. I like the idea of the second stanza and last line, but think it would work better if they followed the same scheme as the one you set in stanza one.
I like the sentiment, there is a great deal of truth in the statement but think the sentence could be put together in a more attractive way, or said better/ more cleverly.
This is a very solid early draft. Nice plot, very engaging, and excellent dialogue, which is one of the hardest things to do. There are several places where you need to look at your punctuation and add in some commas. I won't list them off just to gain points, and cost you some, I'm sure you'll snag them on revision. If you ever have a question on where there should be a comma read the line out loud. Wherever you naturally pause probably needs a comma. The number one rule in writing is to "Sh...
This is excellent! My only comment is that perhaps you want to really think abot your choice of the word 'ineptitude' I'm not sure if it's the best word you could use here. Other then that, really wonderful, the lines draw the eye downward, and the final lines are suprising and memorable
Excellent poem! I wished I had caught the earlier draft to see the changes it's gone through. I would think very carefully about your first stanza. On first reading through I took it as some pretty heavy handed sexual innuendo, the 'in' comment and the fact that cups are so symbollic of female sexuality. Of course, by the end of the poem I realized the sexual suggestion didn't apply. Perhaps if you found a word to use in place of 'cup', which will also work in the second to last line, since i...
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