AtokoLoilona's profile
AGE:
27
LOC: Hollis, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 31
LOC: Hollis, NY
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 31
Items
Version 4
11 Reviews
2 Comments
I have to lose this weight Before I come to you Litter the streets with dying skin To be collected by the morning sweeper Piled along nails and loose hair On garbage heaps Cut off my fast food flesh Release it Like decomposed rat meat Off a fallen cross I have to climb down Mountains of waste Over buried toys and used syringes Where red eyed children sleep In smoke and disillusion Discarded in corners Yet sharp like broken bottles I hesitate To leave this world of rust And dust and sink my te...
Version 3
0 Reviews
0 Comments
I have to lose this weight Before I come to you Litter the streets with dying skin To be collected by the morning sweeper Piled along nails and loose hair On garbage heaps Cut off my fast food flesh Release it Like decomposed rat meat Off a fallen cross I have to climb down Mountains of waste Over buried toys and used syringes Where red eyed children sleep In smoke and disillusion Discarded in corners Yet sharp like broken bottles I hesitate To leave this world of rust And dust and sink my te...
Version 1
11 Reviews
7 Comments
Me and this man they say is my brother Walk like mules through monstrous landscapes Past aborted buildings Where shadows and silhouettes Dissipate like smoked memories We walk along deserted streets Through junkyard paths Of brittle glass and gasoline Sleep like rats in abandoned cars Inhale the fog that enters Through the opened windows Our restless bodies outstretched Against metallic walls His are the hardened feet of a fatigued Jesus On a cold desert night His sleep a sacred hour of aband...
Version 2
4 Reviews
2 Comments
I have to lose this weight Before I come to you Litter the streets with dying skin To be collected by the morning sweeper Piled along nails and loose hair On garbage heaps Cut off my fast food flesh Release it Like decomposed rat meat Off a fallen cross I have to climb down Mountains of waste Over buried toys and used syringes Where Red eyed children sleep In smoke and disillusion Discarded in corners Yet sharp like broken bottles I have to lose these trails Leading to the same abandoned nigh...
Version 2
2 Reviews
2 Comments
She throws my name like a hammer Then smiles Then leaves Till I forget my name again And yet remember that smile I remember a shadow That fled and I followed The buildings, the blocks That hid him from me Was he the one with the broken leg Who died while his mother slept While the doctor was away? Was he the one that came out too soon And forgot to cry, to breathe, to live? Was he the one that came back too late A damaged thing? He tried to kill me once And I him We both failed and said goodb...
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Reviews
Your work reminds of Kurt Vonnegut, which is quite the high compliment since Vonnegut is one of my favorite authors. Great sense of humor (except for the Clay Aiken joke, sorry that one seems tired by now), well-rounded characters (no pun intended) and an overall fantastic imagination that recalls Jonathan Swift's Lilliputians. I had some trouble deciphering the amount of time spent in the cell; at one point it says one hour at another it refers to habitual behavior such as "Gar did once tell...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
I'd say that was a succesful experiment that I quite enjoyed. I'd get rid of "he is" in the second line of the last stanza so it reads "Innocent-indignant." I think stanzas 4 and 5 are the weakest. Thanks for sharing. It was a pleasure to read.
You have some strong imagery in this poem. All the small details help create a vivid picture, placing the reader right next to you as your drive home. You might consider splitting it into separate stanzas, one of them starting with "I imagine..."
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