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Awake_At_Last's profile
AGE:
27
LOC: Winston Salem, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 16
LOC: Winston Salem, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: January 16
I am Matthew, a writer and photographer from Winston-Salem, NC. My forte is poetry, some of which is posted here, but I am also trying my hand at novelling. I hope you enjoy the work. Suggestions and constructive criticism are always welcome.
Items
Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
My plan was to tell you the story of Jewel, How we met and what we became. It now makes more sense to tell you of, A few sweet memories even though it’s not the same. When we met Jewel was a shy girl staring at the floor, I was the only one in that high school hallway fortunate enough to see her smile. We sat together in our psychology class and I looked, Into her beautiful blue eyes with a speck of hazel I saw only when I stared for a while. I saw her perform for the first time at Morning De...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 4
6 Reviews
0 Comments
“Unscripted Freedom" By Matthew S. Laughlin Introduction: After nearly six years of the "War on Terrorism", the US's arrogant talk and heavy bombing, the nations of Iran, Afghanistan and Iraq formed an alliance with a crooked US Navy captain under cover of heavy secrecy. It was time, they decided, to strike back. Unbeknownst to anyone, in the evening of November 17th, 2007, two sea-based ballistic nuclear missiles sailed toward Washington, DC. Caught completely off guard, the US had its hands...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 3
10 Reviews
2 Comments
“Unscripted Freedom" By Matthew S. Laughlin Introduction: After nearly six years of the "War on Terrorism", the US's arrogant talk and heavy bombing, the nations of Iran, Afghanistan and Iraq formed an alliance with a crooked US Navy captain under cover of heavy secrecy. It was time, they decided, to strike back. Unrenowned to anyone, in the evening of November 17th, 2007, two sea-based ballistic nuclear missiles sailed toward Washington, DC. Caught completely off guard, the US had its hands ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 2
6 Reviews
0 Comments
“Unscripted Freedom" By Matthew S. Laughlin Introduction: After nearly six years of the "War on Terrorism", the US's arrogant talk and heavy bombing, the nations of Iran, Afghanistan and Iraq formed an alliance with a crooked US Navy captain under cover of heavy secrecy. It was time, they decided, to strike back. Unrenowned to anyone, in the evening of November 17th, 2007, two sea-based ballistic nuclear missiles sailed toward Washington, DC. Caught completely off guard, the US had its hands ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
“Unscripted Freedom" By Matthew S. Laughlin Introduction: After nearly six years of the "War on Terrorism", the US's arrogant talk and heavy bombing, the nations of Iran, Afghanistan and Iraq formed an alliance with a crooked US Navy captain under cover of heavy secrecy. It was time, they decided, to strike back. Unrenowned to anyone, in the evening of November 17th, 2007, two sea-based ballistic nuclear missiles sailed toward Washington, DC. Caught completely off guard, the US had its hands ...
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Reviews
Redundance in Jennifer's first line: "My mother was also a teacher and it is what I have always wanted to do as well." This might work better as "My mother was a teacher and it is what I have always wanted to do as well.", unless the repetition is in place to show Jennier's nervousness. Reccomend the addition of "we" in the sentence "Join me and together will combine our energy and the future will be ours!!" between together and will. In the sentence Marie says that the track suit is to butch...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
From the beginning, there are some problems with tense and point-of-view. Make sure action is taking place in such a way as to make time-sense with the rest of the piece, and try to tell the story from one perspective. Otherwise, it is confusing to the reader. Your use of adjectives is skilled, painting a pictue with your words; showing what is happening and to who instead of just telling it. You'll want to call Midnight an Arabian Stallion rather than an Arabian horse. You tend to over-use c...
In general, I like the complete other-worldliness of this piece. Customs, characters, dates, events and so forth are nothing like what their earth equivalents might be. The reader needs more information about these parts, however, because attempting to decipher their meanings without explanation takes time and distracts one from the story itself. There are a number of words I am not clear on. "Earferrin" for example. Is that the name of your characters' species? Any unusual word or out-right ...
The paragraph in which your protagonist is one meter from Angela's desk seems out of place. You set it up earlier in the chapter ("...a strange stale smell wafts over me, as if something hasn’t been opened up for years..."), and it looks like a lot of work for one nasty joke. Otherwise, this has good humor (your sarcasm is great, as in your description of Angela's face). It is hard to guage whether this is publishable or not, because there is little content. Your protagonist merely enters a r...
Good show of humor. Sarcasm, as in your depiction of elderly drivers, and puns take away some of the sting of the industrial setting. It might be advisable to reign the talk of elderly-driving habits in a bit, perhaps making it only one paragraph, unless it relates to other parts of the story. I LOVE Rachel's entrance, and its lead-in. Your gift of humor is very engaging. This piece will work well as a part of a larger piece of fiction.
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