B3N's profile

B3N avatar
AGE: 28
LOC: Stillwater, MN
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 25

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Item Stats
Reviewer Stats
Items
Poetry / His Song
Version 2
6 Reviews   0 Comments
His Song Song, living from the start;: Notes float from divine heart In the air; let all be true As water leaves from sky, Man first hears joyful cry, Eden’s song brings to life Rest in peace, free from strife. Here in peace, life would fall, two so chose. Ending all Use of hope and bliss so true, Reaving, they fled the fear That serpent’s foe was near. Thistle clad and found out, Earthen pair shook with doubt. Ever on, Love would come With news of sin’s dread sum. “Son of dust," said Love in...
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Short Story / Daddy
Version 2
2 Reviews   1 Comment
I hear the doors slamming. I try to keep quiet, but I can't stop the tears. Why is it happening again? I can hear his voice. He's shouting at her. I don't know why they are fighting. Why don't they stop? I hide under the covers, but I hear things crashing. Maybe he will leave me alone tonight. Maybe I won't wake up tomorrow with bruises. I'm getting better at explaining things. My teacher asked me today how I got the bruise on my arm. I told her I fell off my bike. I don't have a bike, but ...
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Short Story / The Morpheus Hypothesis
Version 1
8 Reviews   5 Comments
"All I'm saying, Neil, is that I can't go on much longer like this." "Michele, could we, ah, talk about this later? I-I'm running late. I really should have been there by now." He glanced down at his wrist, but then realized he wasn't wearing his watch. Where had he put it? "I'm serious. Do you think I like sleeping alone every night?" She had both hands on her considerable hips, standing in front of the door. The nightstand? No, it wouldnt have been there. "Did you see what I did with my wat...
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Version 1
16 Reviews   6 Comments
Tears From Inside Allie tried to talk me out of the abortion as she drove me to the clinic. It was a Friday and I had found a place that performed abortions in the phone book. I had decided to do it on a Friday so that I wouldn’t miss school if I wasn’t feeling good afterward. “Kate, I don’t think you should do this.” “I don’t have a choice.” “Please just think about it a little more. You could always give the baby up for adoption.” “You saw how Adam reacted when I told him, what do you think...
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Poetry / His Song
Version 1
3 Reviews   1 Comment
His Song Song, living from the start;: Notes float from divine heart In the air; let all be true As water leaves from sky, Man first hears joyful cry, Eden’s song brings to life Rest in peace, free from strife. Here in peace, life would fall, two so chose. Ending all Use of hope and bliss so true, Reaving, they fled the fear That serpent’s foe was near. Thistle clad and found out, Earthen pair shook with doubt. Ever on, Love would come With news of sin’s dread sum. “Son of dust,” said Love in...
Ratings & Rankings
Reviews
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Heaven's Tears - Chapter 1
I think that the strongest part of this piece is the idea. I found it very interesting and am curious as to where you will go with everything. Are you implying the birth of the anti-Christ? As for the writing itself, I found it a little bit flat. The pace was too quick, there wasn't enough description, and description that was included seemed just like a list of attributes. When you introduce each angel, you simply tell us about them rather than revealing their characters by how they act and ...
Short Story / A Busy Day
I liked this a lot. A nice, original take on the whole parenting thing. Usually, having sophisticated words for a child-like perspective shouldn't work, but in this story, it sets up the irony. A few errors in spelling, but they don't have to do with being British, rather with grammar. "Starts" in the second sentence should be "start" because Teletubbies are plural. In your paragraph talking about poo, "say's" should be "says" and the dialogue should either be capitalized with the quotes or i...
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Demon Gates - Prologue
Good clear writing. I have only a few minor quibbles. The paragraph that begins, "Seeing the Portal for the first time..." mentions that Faradhar thought the portal was a wondrous thing. How could it be so wondrous to him if it meant that demons could cross over and destroy their world? "...he desperately formed a protective ring against the heat..." A ring around what? The demon? The men? Was the ring of magic? Was it visible? You just might want to clarify a few things with this sentence. "...
Technically, this is fairly well written as there were no egregious spelling or grammatical errors. And though I agree with some of what you say, the writing falls a little bit flat. I think that you focus so much on what is wrong that your rallying cry at the end falls short because there isn't enough momentum for it to have any strength. It's okay to list the bad, but if you really want to motivate your readers, I would add more inspiration. Take a look at the "I have a dream" speech by MLK...