BentGrim's profile

BentGrim avatar
AGE: 38
LOC: Johnstown, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 08

I currently learning everyday from reviewing others writing and need your critique to better my own, so please do.

I hope someday to get something published and can not achieve this unless I learn from my mistakes.
                     CHEERS! BRENT G.

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Poetry / DEATH
Version 1
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I have experienced much, But not you death: The mystery of the sealed door The Obsession— of all these years; I have smelt your putrid aftermath, But this is while living. I imagine you as a flower In the afterlife; Erect, not wilting Death, Your scents combined With each and every breath Some say, your color is black Bones charred, Are you aware, death? Or are you a never ending bruise That never heals? Should I poke this bruise Where the sleight of time goes unnoticed Will I, too, bec...
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On her way home From school, Zoie innocently Thinking of science— In fear from environmental woes— Looks to the sky: Dark gray Clouds embark— On weeping; She joins song: Fluids dejected Falling In masses, The thunder head Empties from The sockets of mother; An infernal spitting fit, Acid soaked Clothing, Metallic taste to her tongue From the Tip of a bucket. Fresh in her Nostrils, The transfer of Dampened Pollution Is complete. The fall A brand new winter; The old way rusted...
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Version 1
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Born on the Seventeenth day The third month Of suns cycle Therefore I am Species fish A capable Cannibal of My own kind; I like the taste Of my own flesh; Cheer in chewing Tender morsels My morsels tend To my licking I love their taste. I swim in deep Waters Lusting for My own kind Chewing myself I swallow myself Into myself I taste so good.
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Poetry / A Good Death
Version 1
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...BENT-GRIM... wrote: Take in the anguish— The deep heart Broken and defeated— Exhale to the emptiness Soothe the soul and heal. A greater consciousness Soothing a once called fool Opening a once lost mind; A brand new reality Of the dimension eternity, Déjà vu of the senses The nirvana of truth; Set free from the cycle. Existence—now forever bliss, For death—a good death Is just a stepping stone.  
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Version 2
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Shrugged deaf ears To loyalty And lived—breathed With in my own shit, Was shit! Shit robbed and mind raped Mother! I did not care: Wanted to mix fixes; Fix everything with piss Buried all of everything Deep inside me I lied, Lied and cheated With deceit, Every chance I got . Burned bridges— Scarred love With tainted tissues: I stuck a needle In my arm And did not care
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Reviews
Poetry / Fox.
This piece is well written in regards to the form an rhythm but the diction needs some attending to; it is unclear in its meaning.If you polish this up a bit you will have a most excellent poem on your hands.I'm adding it to my favorites,so I obviousy enjoyed it.
0.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Poetry / Hot As Hell
I like the content and found it humorous, but the stanzas have no order to them.The rhythm is off as well. I relly like it though. I don't believe it is publishable, but you were not asking about this. Line6 in the second stanza,line4 in the fourth and line2 in the fifth are to long in my opinion. Cheers!
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