Blue_Eyes's profile

Brilliant new title; much better than version one. As with version one, you still have 101 words here: "snacks/childcare" is two words, but your word processor must be counting them as one. I'm still not convinced you even need this line -- especially if the board is already too small for the minister to spell out "BDSM." "...struck with an idea: mixers!" <- Give the colon some LOVE, baby! :p Along with the title, it is good to see that you allude to the sadomasochistic joke by giving us s...

Quite funny, you naughty little girl! And you say this was derived from a true story!? Even funnier! The main problem seems to be clarity; the joke seems to be going over too many reader's heads. This is understandable since neither the title, nor the main text, hints at the joke. Perhaps use a title that points to the religious context and the underlying humor: Bound for Glory? Also, try to work words into the text that give the reader a hint about the story's true nature: The minister tried...

Interesting first sentence. It truly made me think: "What would I picture when it comes to the idea of a quiet person?" "Well, this person..." This is a bit ambiguous. Perhaps, "The person I am thinking of..." Separate this sentence from the next using a semicolon (;), since both sentences deal with the same subject, as follows: "...the absolute opposite; he is the most gorgeous..." I would recommend a different word in place of "somebody" and suggest not pluralizing "class." Perhaps replace ...

This takes place in Austin (I assume Texas), and lines 3 and 4 do a great job of painting a picture of a modern western city. Concrete canyons, steel peaks, and asphalt plains make me think of city streets running between skyscrapers, and of large parking lots, while hearkening back to the old west. This continues nicely with card key dens and wrought iron lairs. Lines 5 and 6: I would reword L5 to read "where dog eats dog" and remove L6. L6 seems unnecessary, and the repeated pluralization o...