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BobDylan's profile
AGE:
17
LOC: Grass Valley, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 04
LOC: Grass Valley, CA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: December 04
You can get to know me through my work.
Items
Version 2
4 Reviews
1 Comment
MACBETH: Good luck, second night slump.
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
A lack of understanding, thrust into a situation like a knife, can crush it under a thousand pounds of misrepresentation. When you dig ditches or tap out a metronome with swinging picks you don't misunderstand anyone. There is no ineffability in the life of a menial worker. When you live in Washington, take bathes in Arabic oil, you don't lack character-reading prowess. There is nothing that can not be dug up in the life of one of the cogs on the political machine. But when you seek out a fri...
Version 1
1 Review
0 Comments
I've just woken up sweating, fevered and broken But inside my jammies the war rages on My mouth seems to lisp from the way you have spoken And under my jammies your touch lingers on I drink a fresh brew of sour hopelessness coffee Outside, in Iraq the foul war marches on I push you away but you will not get off me Its time for your memory to move along I dream of the place where we first met and I can see your body seated My throat is so dry and my nose is wet but my fantasy me is treated to ...
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
Nasty nachos storm the stomach Violating prison property acidic antidote allegro pacing gastric juices my heart racing I stand alone with my cell phone by my side I stand alone with my cell phone by my side Paralyzer, upstanding citizens darting to and fro beneath the sitcom larking Old men in suspenders interview the dead Visions of sugarplums flee from the head I stand alone with my congress by my side I stand alone with my congress by my side White powder wigwam Cavernous assailant Don't d...
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Reviews
There were quite a few issues with switching from past to present tense, which I had quite a problem with a couple years ago. Practice consistency. It becomes habit after a very short time of doing so. "wincing as he realized what had poisoned the one thing that would hold him together tonight." This line didn't make much sense. Clarify what the poison is. So, this is part one of a trilogy. Typically, in part one, though plot is always important, most of the time is spent setting up character...
It's pretty good. Tells a good story, and definitely warms a few hearts :) However, the meter is off in some places. For example, "there were good times along with the bad" can be shortened to "good times along with the bad" to make the meter fit better. As this is lyrics, you don't need to use complete or correct sentences. But the meter is very important, so fudge the sentences so you can have better meter.
Its good poetry, and I enjoyed it, but the rhyme and meter is off. Meter isn't as important, but your rhyme scheme is really weird, and the only verse that truly felt like it flowed was the last one. However, that verse flowed really, really well, so work on rhyme scheme and you'll have truly amazing poetry.
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