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BobbyGary's profile
AGE:
17
LOC: Bellevue, WA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 28
LOC: Bellevue, WA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 28
I am here to get help from others in refining my work and improving my writing skills. I have two stories I consistently work on, and forget about. I welcome any constructive criticism. Thank you for your time.
Items
Version 2
8 Reviews
2 Comments
A wind blew in from the east window, and dragged itself across the room finding its path through the piles of boxes: green boxes, red boxes, and blue boxes. Green meant that the box's contents were garbage; Red meant the contents were to be kept at the house; Blue meant the contents were being moved to Seattle. The wind eventually swept by Elias' feet and his toes twitched. He was sitting on the ground with his back against the wall. His dog was lying no more than a foot to his right, ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 1
5 Reviews
4 Comments
A wind blew in from the east window, and dragged itself across the room finding its path through the piles of boxes: green boxes, red boxes, and blue boxes. Green meant that the box's contents were garbage; Red meant the contents were to be kept at the house; Blue meant the contents were being moved to Seattle. The wind eventually swept by his feet and his toes twitched. He was sitting on the ground with his back against the wall. His dog was lying no more than a foot to his right, its head ...
Ratings & Rankings
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Reviews
I rated this very high because I enjoyed reading it. With something this long I rarely read 100% of it, but to be honest I kept wanting to read. I didn't notice any major errors, and the story seems good to me. Just keep writing, and I hope to review more later. -Bobby
I really enjoyed this, I am not a great writer, so I have no advice. The opening sequence with the puppy and lion drew me in, and I think is a great hook for this chapter. This is definitely going in my favourites! -Bobby
50.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Other than the fact that it was absolutely Beautiful I don't think there is much more to say... Definitely going in my favourites. -Bobby
In paragraph 3 it says she would have a hard time finding the wound because of the hair on the tromm, but then is paragraph 4 it says it was well groomed and that the hair only hung to its knees. This might be something stupid an mundane but in my head it makes me feel like, if it is well groomed the wound wouldn't actually be hard to find... Paragraph 8 you have "He drew closer to her and stopped only a few feet away, munching noisily at the long blades of grass that jutted up from the rocky...
The lyrics are beautiful, but to be honest I don't know what its talking about. I had to read it a second time. And even now I am wondering, so I guess I will just ask, is it someone who is either dead or has left the relationship, but your still attached? Because thats how I was able to relate the song to my life. I greatly enjoyed these lyrics, as I have many other lyrics. -Bobby
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