Brad_Kuhn's profile

Beautiful thought, but I'm tripping on your rhyme scheme ... words that sort of rhyme but really don't "simple" and "ripple" for example. I'd drop the "plain" ... it seems redundant ... not sure it works as a device ... it just clouded the comparison, which is "simplicity v complexity" consider "stays long" instead of "stays for long" and "stays not long" and given the style and rhythm of the rest of the piece, I'd recommend replacing "it's" in all references with "it is" Cheers! Nice work!

Excellent work! I'd give it a 10 if you'd drop the last two lines. The last note would resonate longer if you ended the poem with "stronger" You don't lose any meaning in the edit.

Nice image. Sacred and sincere. The poem itself blows soft like the breeze and the blessing it contains ... like a kiss. Very nice. May want to weed it a little, see if you can cut out some of the words that don't carry their weight. Pare it down to nouns, verbs and adjectives.

Unless you feel compelled to stick with rhyme and meter, sometimes it's OK to let your own wild mare run free. Let your words dictate the form, not the other way around. It's a hard thing to do and very few people do a good job of getting words, rhyme and meter just right. Find your own rhythm and roar.

Love the twist. The oh-so-true situation of misperception ... getting your pocket picked while you think of picking her up. Well done. You take the reader down the primrose path and then let us in on the joke at the end. Well-timed. Well written ... could stand a little pruning ... see if you can't eliminate unnecessary words "these" etc. bravo