Brainy's profile

"I got fucked up on rum one night; lost my virginity on the beach… dated the girl for a meaningless three weeks… ...Did the same thing... different girl, on the other side of the island… ...This time I kept the dating to three days, hopping on the first flight home to England after that...” To anyone who cares to contend, let it be known that Henry Michael Emmerson and his 6’1 frame, Aryan features, and pseudo-academic British accent are a detriment to womankind. Equipped with disposable inco...

PREFACE: Relationships. You get into them knowing-it's not going to last. How can it last, when you're 20ish, unemployed and perpetually falling in and out of 'like' with just about every somewhat cute, funny, or smart person you meet? Knowing all this, we make the irrational decision to get into relationships anyways. The person smells good, feels good, and by being your significant other guarantees you a warm body to hook up with at the end of a long week. For the 20 something, being in a r...

". . . How Do You Tell A Man, You Want To Suck His COCK ? I Mean, How Do You Say To A Man: SIR, I Want You To Stand In Front Of Me, Drop Your Knickers, And Allow Me to Suck Your COCK? " Now, dear reader, before I lose you with the blunt vulgarity of the above, picture with me a woman whose fiery words are as anxious as her dress: A short cut yellow, vintage getup with equally loud sequend stiletto shoes. think: Liza Minelli hit by a sunshine disco truck. Her throaty British accent slurred by ...

IT'S Friday night, precisely 10:05 pm and I'm on a $4.00 date with myself. At the Dojo, the $4.00 champagne compliments the $4.00 tiramisu and fills me like a frat boy who quotes Shakespeare while he dry humps you : it's all crassly romantic. THE table to the right of me is also on a date. The girl is heavier by Tribeca standards : she's at least a size 6 and clearly needs to do more cocaine. Her date is also a tad plump, making the two a fitting looking pair. The ugly ducklings are squabblin...

My coworker touches herself. 55 years old & single this pancake bottomed matron represents the detrimental effects of living with your parents for too long. Everyday at 11:46 am, Gertrude stands up, walks past our supervisor’s desk, and smiles coyly as she proceeds to the bathroom. My other co-workers and I shoot each other quizzical looks & snicker quietly at this mild attempt at flirtation. Everything on Gertrude is short: her thin, dyed autumn red hair is cropped; her legs, arms, torso, ne...