BrentAlanWatson's profile
AGE:
34
LOC: Lewiston, ME
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: February 08
LOC: Lewiston, ME
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: February 08
I’m a middle school reading teacher. I’ve read a lot of books to my students and thought that I could do better than some of the published authors out there. I’ll put a few things I’ve written on here to see what you think. I look forward to reading your stuff as well.
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Version 3
2 Reviews
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Chapter 1 There were only two things Rick Burgess loved more than food, God and his family. Well, at least most of his family. He would have traded his little brother, Greg, for some pepperoni pizza. Grinning from ear to ear, he waited in line for his favorite part of the day at Oxford Middle School to begin—lunch. “Hey, did you guys see that new kid today? What a dork!” Speedy exclaimed. “Yeah, what a loser. Did you see that patch on his backpack? It said N-A-S-A or something,” Rick snickere...
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Version 2
2 Reviews
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Chapter 1 There were only two things Rick Burgess loved more than food, God and his family. Well, at least most of his family. He would have traded his little brother, Rick, for a slice pepperoni pizza. Grinning from ear to ear, he waited in line for his favorite part of the day at Oxford Middle School to begin—lunch. “Hey, did you guys see that new kid today? What a dork!” Speedy exclaimed. “Yeah, what a loser. Did you see that patch on his backpack? It said N-A-S-A or something,” Rick snick...
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Version 1
13 Reviews
0 Comments
Chapter 1 Rick Burgess loved food. There were only two things he loved more, God and his family. Well, at least most of his family. He liked pepperoni pizza a little better than his brother, Greg. Grinning from ear to ear, he waited in line for his favorite part of the day at Dewey-Monroe Middle School to begin—lunch. “Hey, did you guys see that new kid today? What a dork!” Speedy exclaimed. “Yeah, what a loser. Did you see that patch on his backpack? I think it said N-A-S-A,” Rick snickered,...
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I'm a middle school teacher and believe me, you can't put longed and don too close together they will change that into long dong and crack up so much they might not get the rest. While I'm thinking about it, I don't really think an agent is going to care about this story. They're looking for things that are going to make them money like a novel. You'll have better luck with a smaller magazine or something. Love the first line. A real attention grabber. Hey, by the way, Holes is a rea popular ...
These review is for part one. " Sorry, I said, wiping the blood," sounds better. Your characters use great dailouge. They have bad mouths, but you don't swear gratuitously. It sounds very natural. One part that doesnt quite sound natural is when the narrator is telling about what kind of operation he is going to preform. I think you go into too much detail. I don't think I need to know that much about the whole process. In part two, you should put, "What we've done," in italics. Give it more ...
The first line really bothers me with the then and too right next to each other. You might want to revise. And the last sentence of the first paragraph might run more smoothly if you wrote something like "I can't recall if I had dressed appropriately for the weather, I just know I couldn't stop shivering. Oh the frog butts stuff is great. Really show's the character's age without even telling us. One more thing have the line "Have they made Stella hide too?" be it's own paragraph. It seems li...
Hey, I really like this. It hooked me, and I will read as much as you put up here. A couple things- when you mention the time, you say 'time' in consecutive sentences. You might want you change one of them. The sticker is a good device to make the reader keep reading on. Good technique. There are a couple times when I think your words would pop more if you took out the word "and." One place is right at the end, talking about waiting on Aunt Themla's porch shivering uncontrollably. Take out an...
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