Brian's profile

Beautiful sentiment! Love the line: "But in the end, a moment is enough." Is this going to be expanded?

Opening line: Like the thought, maybe try 'round' instead of 'rounded'. First paragraph: The second line is a bit to wordy, try "... asked Michelle." Then use another couple sentences to go into the fact that Michelle is the best friend, and/or the concern in her voice. "... hand on over..." Typo? cut 'on' or 'over' Second Paragraph: Cut some of the passive voice like "... whose large black eyes would move..." try "... whose large black eyes moved..." or "... which quickly disappeared..." try...

Good opening line, very unique with the use of 'And' at the beginning. I do think that the beginning of your story starts out explaining a bit to much of the background of the situation.... Maybe you could start with the character recalling exactly what was said to him by the clerics (i.e. flash back). You might also benefit from moving the plot along with details like: he's thinking this while driving to so-and-so to get more information, or some kind of action. Just a few thoughts... Cheers...

Love the one word opening sentence (don't know why, but I almost always do). With the second sentence I might make it end with '... cooling air.' Then go into a sentence about the morning. 'disgusting' is a very generic word when it comes to carpets maybe replace that one. The story about the parents fighting reads strangely, I think the tense needs to be fixed and some articles added in to clarify. Great lines about the hourglass... often a hackneyed metaphor, I think you use it well! I'd li...

I like the story, and the concept of the ending, but I didn't like how the last line came out. I think you might be better off ending on that statement preceding the question. I can't put my finger on 'why' but the last line seems a bit forced (not quite contrived), and the other line just felt more appropriate to the flow.