AGE:
24
LOC: Germantown, WI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 13
LOC: Germantown, WI
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: October 13
Items
Version 1
0 Reviews
0 Comments
do you wonder who sits in empty seats when you work in empty rooms? Shadows of faces and lives, laughs, loves, and all, all the whispers' who in dust flutter with secrets from the ages while you sit and do not listen. You share the beating of your heart with the emptiness of a white walled room and speak to another who will not listen, who cannot hear what words softly drip From you to her. Words meant only for the dust.
Version 1
18 Reviews
32 Comments
“If a man could pass through Paradise in a dream, and have a flower presented to him as a pledge that his soul had really been there, and if he found that flower in his hand when he awoke - Aye, what then?”<!--StartFragment--> &nb...
Version 2
29 Reviews
13 Comments
My lover's cries haunt my nights. I held her hand while she let go Life- Her pale skin turned white her warm touch, cold, but gentle. I held her close- my lover's life still stains a shirt hung in a dark closet's corner. No tear made its way from hazel eyes to winter-rosy cheeks. No last words from lip to ear. Only a simple scent- Blood, Jasmine, Street-pavement- and her whimpering cry to echo in that last silence. I crossed her arms kissed her lips one last time and I closed her eyes For good.
Version 1
3 Reviews
7 Comments
My lover's cries haunt my nights. I held her hand while she let go Life- Her pale skin turned white her warm touch, cold, but gentle. I held her close- my lover's life still stains a shirt hung in a dark closet's corner. No tear made its way from hazel eyes to winter-rosy cheeks. No last words from lip to ear. Only a simple scent- Blood, Jasmine, Street-pavement- and her whimpering cry to echo in that last silence. I crossed her arms kissed her lips one last time and I closed her eyes For good.
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Reviews
Beautiful sentiment! Love the line: "But in the end, a moment is enough." Is this going to be expanded?
Opening line: Like the thought, maybe try 'round' instead of 'rounded'. First paragraph: The second line is a bit to wordy, try "... asked Michelle." Then use another couple sentences to go into the fact that Michelle is the best friend, and/or the concern in her voice. "... hand on over..." Typo? cut 'on' or 'over' Second Paragraph: Cut some of the passive voice like "... whose large black eyes would move..." try "... whose large black eyes moved..." or "... which quickly disappeared..." try...
Good opening line, very unique with the use of 'And' at the beginning. I do think that the beginning of your story starts out explaining a bit to much of the background of the situation.... Maybe you could start with the character recalling exactly what was said to him by the clerics (i.e. flash back). You might also benefit from moving the plot along with details like: he's thinking this while driving to so-and-so to get more information, or some kind of action. Just a few thoughts... Cheers...
Love the one word opening sentence (don't know why, but I almost always do). With the second sentence I might make it end with '... cooling air.' Then go into a sentence about the morning. 'disgusting' is a very generic word when it comes to carpets maybe replace that one. The story about the parents fighting reads strangely, I think the tense needs to be fixed and some articles added in to clarify. Great lines about the hourglass... often a hackneyed metaphor, I think you use it well! I'd li...
I like the story, and the concept of the ending, but I didn't like how the last line came out. I think you might be better off ending on that statement preceding the question. I can't put my finger on 'why' but the last line seems a bit forced (not quite contrived), and the other line just felt more appropriate to the flow.
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