BrolGemmer's profile

BrolGemmer avatar
AGE: 29
LOC: United States
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: August 18

I’m writing a novel and try to create one piece of poetry per day, whether good or bad. I also play music. My work is as a nanny which is amazing, happy work.

I am very passionate, almost painfully so, about my poetry and hope to improve as a result of having my work critiqued.

Favorite poets: James Dickey, Borges, Dickinson, Jane Hirshfield, Rilke, Billy Collins

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Items
Version 1
3 Reviews   2 Comments
This night in quiet air my thoughts have gentle company: Cristina's voice next door floats silvery clear and high, she's speaking to her child. And without moving even slightly, or opening my eyes, I see the sight: a long body bending down. A pale late-summer sunset-orange halo floats round a joy-flushed face, and fine-drawn fingers softly stroke gauzy hair and milky cheek. The air is stiller yet, no sound of even breath, my ears detect no hint of her. She's stepped inside the door, I know, t...
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Version 1
11 Reviews   3 Comments
At a Quarter till One Oh Vanya in your flower skirt I compose you on a bed of words as I storm across the city towards paper, pen and fixity Your voice is fine and light your smile so full tonight but I can sense the reticence a small resistance to my hands Oh Vanya with your Russian skin porcelain pale and without sin the singer of a secret song - the road away from you is long
Ratings & Rankings
Poetry / Separate Ways
Version 1
22 Reviews   21 Comments
Separate Ways Breezeway sounds so innocent. This church's modern architecture was the rage in 1969. Some glass, so much concrete and a slender tower, terminating at a bold angle. Grey, flat, even planes everywhere. But back to this breezeway between parish house and where the pious be pious. Already the day slips from consciousness. It's the halfway point where the schoolbag grows heavy. There are enough boys up ahead to give me an unease about it. I don't expect hello or a clap on the should...
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Reviews
Poetry / affliction
Locked
Poetry / That Word
Think about this: What are you actually saying, other than defending why you won't say "I love you?" Think about the reader, what would I get out of this? Also, poetry is supposed to create an experience. When you use only abstractions I can only process it intellectually, hence no experience. Read up on abstraction and cliche and also on imagery and metaphore, which is what poetry is made of. It seems to me you have some facility, so push yourself. That 10 min disclaimer doesn't fly. Do you ...
Poetry / Decision
The sentiment is really wonderful. But I'm going to say something that sounds harsh and if you are not actually interested in being a poet, is pointless. I recommend that you research abstraction, cliche, imagery and metaphor. Abstraction and cliche is what most early attempts at poetry consist of, and imagery and metaphor are largely missing, and when they are there, they're usually cliches. I also recommend Frances Mayes' Fieldguide to poetry. It's VERY well done and not dry.
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Anthrophomorphizing guilt doesn't work here because it comes from left-field, sort of nilly-willy. It would work if it were a device used in your poem, which it is not. The sentiment of being hurt by ones lover has been done so much that it is a cliche, like the use of rose and heart, meaning you'll have to say something original about it. That is possible if you put yourself back into the space you were, close your eyes see/feel what's there and describe that. Here you're writing down abstra...
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