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BuddhaBerry's profile
AGE:
18
LOC: Belvidere, IL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 03
LOC: Belvidere, IL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 03
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Version 1
4 Reviews
3 Comments
It sniffs the air like a wild animal and catching the scent of its heart’s desire lets out a lengthy snarl. Phlegm and spit, sometimes dripping sometimes pouring from its mouth, begin to soak the flour around itself. All the while it impatiently waits for the glass door barricading itself from the darkened room it so eagerly wants to get to, to open. “Anyone there?” said the man groggily. Laying on a cold tiled floor James sits up hearing muffled sounds from what seems not ...
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That was a charming little story you gave us there. However, I think it could be better if you try not to repeat the same word too often. For example the words crack and spider in the first couple pages. For spider you could use words like "eight-legged assassin" "Arachnid" "Little fellow" or whatever else would better fit the tone of your story and the voice you write it in. The end confuses me because I looked back and couldn't even find a reference to their being no web before the accident...
You seem to have a pretty good grasp on spiritual philosophy. I like that you get how most normal folk work and create littluns to completely contrast us with these perfectly evolved people. I get that your writing is insightful and intelligent, but just a little bit I think is unnecessarily wordy in a couple instanes. "The selfish, self-serving..." that can just be either or, don't you think? If you sharpened up some it'd be a smoother read, but there's not a whole lot of that needs to be do...
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