Bullyshero's profile

You have the beginning of an interesting story here. I did notice quite a few misspelled words, but these are typos I'm sure. First person is what you are apparently writing in, be sure you stay in that and do not switch to another voice unless you can do it without losing the story. Interesting piece enjoyed reading it.

It is rather hard to critique lyrics with no idea what the tempo of the music they are set to is. Some of the lyrics are disjointed and don't flow well, a little rewriting would help. The idea is there it just needs to be smoothed out.

Rather trite and tells me that you are not very creative. Sad for you really as there are so many things to write about, use your imagination, not necesssarily you experience. Create rather then just try to tell about things you know. Create a story out of whole cloth, start with a blank page and see where it takes you. You might be both suprised and delighted with the results.