BunniesAreEvil's profile

You've got some work to do here as far as grammar goes. The first thing I'd recommend is switching to active voice. Change your verbs from their -ing form. Example: "Fixing Sarah with a glare" sounds better as "He fixed Sarah with a glare" and even better as "He glared at Sarah." You need to set off your dialogue. Using bullet points is an interesting choice but if you're going to experiment and do it that way you need to do it for all the dialogue. Traditionally dialogue is set on its own l...

You need to go back through and do a little editing to fix up some grammatical errors. Watch out for singular/plural agreement. For example: "his eyebrows where thick and long, with grey In it." "IT" does not agree with "EYEBROWS." Watch out for misspellings, like using "where" instead of "were." The amount of technical errors start getting in the way of the story when you have to fight through them to understand what's happening. The dream sequence really needs a lot more detail to bring it...

Nice work. This reads really well and shows obvious care in the crafting. I have to admit that I'm still curious about the author of this little history though. Since he's really the main character I feel like maybe we should get to know him a little better through his writing. Simply put, because he is human and in this apocalyptic situation I would think he'd put a little more of himself into the writing since he believes it might truly be the last record of himself and what he knows about ...