CiannaSkye's profile
AGE:
26
LOC: Kingston, IL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 20
LOC: Kingston, IL
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 20
Like most of you kids out there I dream of becoming a profesional writer. I am currently writing a loosely connected collection of short stories and musing about formally working on an overly ambitious fantasy novel.
I am constantly seeking to improve my writing style, so I welcome all constructive comments, but specific, constructive comments only! I cannot stress that enough. If you don’t understand my writing, please click skip. I am greatly annoyed by people who say, “I didn’t understand your story” but review it anyway. All vague comments will be submitted for a refund, so please don’t waste your time. Also, telling me that I have good grammar and spelling is not a constructive comment, as we should all have progressed beyond that …
Items
Version 1
19 Reviews
24 Comments
A jingle of keys, the crinkle of paper bags, and the bounce of mules on forest green carpet heralded Lara’s return from the grocery store. As she unlocked her door, she smiled at the brass numbers that marked her realm of tranquility. Once inside, she set the bulging paper bags on the kitchen floor and turned toward the glowing flat screen TV in the otherwise dark living room. From within the living room, Danny uttered a monotonic “Hey” without...
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Version 2
17 Reviews
34 Comments
Elise moved her wireless optical mouse to reveal her desktop wallpaper: a lone faerie, seated on a column, in a long flowing dress that ended in a jagged hem of curling tendrils. Her skeletonized wings spread behind her like white veins against the overcast sky. Elise followed the faerie’s downward gaze to the icon labeled “Dreamscape” on the lower left of the desktop and double-clicked it. The screen flashed once and went black. The steady dru...
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Version 1
9 Reviews
18 Comments
Elise sank down into her black leather executive swivel chair with a 20-ounce bottle of diet cream soda. She moved her wireless optical mouse to reveal her desktop wallpaper: a lone faerie, seated on a column, black skirt spread around her, with skeletonized wings like white veins against the overcast sky. Elise followed the faerie’s downward gaze to the icon labeled “Dreamscape” on the lower left of the desktop and double-clicked it. The scree...
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Version 1
18 Reviews
21 Comments
The footsteps receded from the hallway, leaving just me and Adrienne sitting on the bed. A vestige of the day’s tears lingered in the back of my throat. The darkness of the room surrounded us in its gentle embrace. To my right, the heavy plastic shade obscured the white glow of moonlight on the window frame. Everything was quiet at last. “So, sweetie,” Adri asked, “where would you like to begin?” ...
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Version 2
7 Reviews
2 Comments
Originality: novel rearrangement of hackneyed words.
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Hi! I think I promised to review this like 2 months ago, so here it is :) Overall, the plot is riveting, as always. My main issue is with the writing itself. Like with some of the other chapters, you have used way too many similes and metaphors. There are a few very effective metaphors such as "Her eyes lit-up red like night embers blown by a soft breeze," but a lot of them seem either cliche or a bit overdramatized. An example: "Guilt weighed on me like a lead veil" seems kind of heavy-hande...
That was hilarious and entertaining. If you weren't aiming for a humorous effect, please consider this as an insult. There are still some punctuation issues and awkwardness in this excerpt. For example, in the last sentence of the first paragraph, there should be a colon after "touched." There is a comma splice in the second sentence of the last paragraph. The part that seemed the most awkward is the part that begins with "crash-clink." The words set aside in bold break up the flow of the nar...
Credits are like real money! - I am getting overtime right now for being on Urbis. :D Although you are an excellent poet, I can see that you are having some difficulty transitioning to writing prose. Your descriptions seem a bit heavy-handed and repetitive. Example: "I...saw earth tone everywhere, the town seemed camouflaged by its mud colored facades." I would leave out the part about the earth tones because the last half of the sentence already describes the scenery perfectly. There are als...
Wow, 11 years. That's a lot of dedication to your art. I can see the effort you've put into this, yet I can also see that you feel something is missing. From a bird's eye view, the flow can be generally improved if there is a clearer organization throughout the poem. One way you could organize this (which you have attempted to do) is to follow the title, "fall into sleep." Introduction, sleepiness, eyes closed, sleep would be the most logical order to follow unless if the baby in the poem was...
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