I like this, but I want to see more about who the narrator is and why he is in Antarctica. This almost has a Frankenstein feel to it, which makes me want to suggest that you convert this into a letter format, but that would be unoriginal. Given the context, could you make this into a last will and testament? I love the flowery prose; it's very time-appropriate. I would like to see this continued, and pick up where you've left off with a description of that "fortuitous meeting" with Mr. Willia...

My first reaction to this is that it doesn't read like traditional poetry, but then again, that that doesn't really matter anymore nowadays, right? I like the voice in this piece, casual but very realistic. The only criticism I have is that the first part of the second line seems a bit redundant with the first.

Omg, I loved this! What a succinct yet thorough (except for emoticons) description of the chat world. I especially loved the contrasts and rhythym within the fourth line. The only criticism I have is that the last word seems a bit of a cop-out. You already use the word "obsessions" earlier (in the fifth stanza). I think that instead of repeating that word, you could end the poem with another word that better summarizes people's behavior within chat rooms. I don't have any specific ideas, but ...

This is an interesting piece. I especially like how we find out what is going on at the end. To that effect, I think this poem could be improved if the actions between the parents were strictly described instead of interpreted. I am specifically referring to the line "The man raised an eyebrow asking a silent question." If you left out "asking a silent question," the poem would become a series of actions between the man and woman, and the situation itself becomes revealed in the last stanza t...

This story embraces an interesting subject matter that is rarely examined. However, I can see several ways to improve this story. In order to capture the reader's attention at the beginning, I would include the events immediately leading up to Betty's disappearance. Jack's realization that he has not seen Betty for a while and his decision to begin searching for her will provide a dramatic ambience that is missing from the current story (with the exception of the ending). In terms of style, I...

Many years ago, I received a chain email on Jack Schitt's family tree, but this is much wittier. The rhyme scheme is cute, but there are a couple of missing words and grammatical/punctuation issues. For example, the first line of the fourth stanza should read: "Had too much to drink."

Wow, 11 years. That's a lot of dedication to your art. I can see the effort you've put into this, yet I can also see that you feel something is missing. From a bird's eye view, the flow can be generally improved if there is a clearer organization throughout the poem. One way you could organize this (which you have attempted to do) is to follow the title, "fall into sleep." Introduction, sleepiness, eyes closed, sleep would be the most logical order to follow unless if the baby in the poem was...

Credits are like real money! - I am getting overtime right now for being on Urbis. :D Although you are an excellent poet, I can see that you are having some difficulty transitioning to writing prose. Your descriptions seem a bit heavy-handed and repetitive. Example: "I...saw earth tone everywhere, the town seemed camouflaged by its mud colored facades." I would leave out the part about the earth tones because the last half of the sentence already describes the scenery perfectly. There are als...

That was hilarious and entertaining. If you weren't aiming for a humorous effect, please consider this as an insult. There are still some punctuation issues and awkwardness in this excerpt. For example, in the last sentence of the first paragraph, there should be a colon after "touched." There is a comma splice in the second sentence of the last paragraph. The part that seemed the most awkward is the part that begins with "crash-clink." The words set aside in bold break up the flow of the nar...

Hi! I think I promised to review this like 2 months ago, so here it is :) Overall, the plot is riveting, as always. My main issue is with the writing itself. Like with some of the other chapters, you have used way too many similes and metaphors. There are a few very effective metaphors such as "Her eyes lit-up red like night embers blown by a soft breeze," but a lot of them seem either cliche or a bit overdramatized. An example: "Guilt weighed on me like a lead veil" seems kind of heavy-hande...