Is this one of these notorious drabbles? It falls 24 words short if so. If not, I do apologise. The images are vivid, emotive and conjure up a sense of springtime in the air amid old-house loss and death. Main problems are punctuation. ‘half- hinged’ > extra space ‘here .Suddenly’ > wrong space I like the H alliteration throughout. The letter fits the scene like a glove. ‘No… left’ > italicise this, or place a comma after ‘left’ ‘jewels’ > the comb jewels are figurative, yes? My p...

Great opening. Tone swizzles from commonplace insulting to insulting in a hilarious manner. Nice. ‘Erin…’ > hyphen needed? Erin Brockovich was campaigning against the unpleasant chemicals, was she not? This sounds as though she was being the naughty one. ‘Pretty…’ > OK, is should be there, but I laughed. Tone makes it OK. ‘around’ > can be cut. ‘train-station’ > no hyphen here either. You like hyphenating, don’t you? That’s cute. Insults are hilarious and resonant. Pantsuit is a s...

Your title has all the hallmarks of a word-hugging student seeking to bedazzle with his language and mind-expanding ideas. Probably under the influence of psychotropic herbal remedies. Welcome, Duddbud. ‘newgrounds’ > this elusive concept deserves capitalisation. ‘chinese’ should also be capitalised. ‘it’s’ > the first three uses in this story should be its ‘exculpation’ > is a barbarous sounding word, with the ‘scalp’ similarity and the harshness of ‘culp’ beside the negation of the...

Enjoyable blog. I like the staccato vibe and the rough-and-tumble Thompsonesque flow. I respect that informal blog patois has been used, but since most bloggers aspire to the eloquence of novelists, or the eloquence of blogger-novelists, here are some suggestions: ‘out of my’ > from my Facebook friends list. ‘that it’ > dodgy, it… ‘out of his’ > out about his… ‘why…E-bay’ > To the outsider, this lacks context. The other rhetorical questions could apply to the unnamed creep, but th...

I can’t say your haircut grabs me. I never liked blue perms on teenage boys. Points: ‘life of one…’ > repetition of life ruins the elegance of this sentence. This repeat would work if it was flagged up as humorous. ‘then… ago’ > I wanted a more immediate timeframe here. Is this set in the present? How long ago is then? Vague detail, so it’s less grabbing. ‘self induced’ > is hyphenated ‘bitter’ > I would snip this word. I had a problem with the notion of ‘self-induced irascibility...

First snag for me was the tense in the second paragraph. I think, ‘have noticed’ or simply ‘you noticed’ would be more pleasing to the ear. The Tin Man’s interjection – does this follow on from a feeling of impatience around another myth being shattered (i.e. like that of the bricks)? I thought his sarcastic interjection needed qualifying… as though he’d been listening for a while and had become impatient. ‘mechanical mandible’ > is witty and charming. I liked. ‘fringe… question’ > mayb...

Hilarious. Eine kleine Freude. Schadenfreude, perhaps. First stanza slathers on the grotesquerie to such an extent that a strange warped beauty emerges from the relentless yuk-yuk of the images. Like a wanky teenager attempting to shock with his bilious outpourings, the true desolation of his soul oozes forth from his indigent self-expression. Such is the case with this work. Yucky = pretty. Pretty = vacant. ‘half-flaccid’ > A snail’s body is fully flaccid, no? The shell is nice and hard, ...

A sublime piece of writing. The inner-worlds (internet IDs) and the outer-worlds (their real selves) are blurred to such an extent, a form of unreality has taken over in these characters’ lives, corrupting truths. The bipolar motif of assuming false IDs on the web is a fascinating psychological aside. Very entertaining work. Mechanics: ‘in back’ > out back? ‘neighbourhood Italian’ > maybe switch the order of these. ‘brown chairs’ > banal detail… something unique/specific about the ch...

Bunny's grumpy. Better placate him with pandour-juice. Things: ‘snap… spaghetti’ > spaghetti melts into a mulch when it’s overcooked, there’s no snapping involved. ‘zit-popping stained’ > I read these as being two separate adjectives, when I think you’re trying to link the two. Maybe ‘zit-pop stained’. ‘Razors’ > perhaps speech marks, to indicate the Yeti is speaking? ‘pubes’ > With ‘disobedient’ I pictured a tuft of pubic hair, so I felt pruning scissors were appropriate. Pubic h...

Good rewrite. Smoother and tighter, and keeps (most) of the highlights from V1. ‘chaffing’ > ‘teasing’ would work better IMO. I’m not made about two verbs ‘interjected’ and ‘chaffed’ being side by side, so I thought ‘cut in the Tin Man, teasing the scarecrow’ would be better. Just a thought. ‘stated’ > something more disgusted? Spat? Scoffed? I see you’ve kept the stutter but lost the nice line after it. Aww. 'ecologically' > still going with? It bothers me less this time round, afte...