DByron's profile
AGE:
37
LOC: Saint Petersburg, FL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 29
LOC: Saint Petersburg, FL
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: July 29
Good writing is the most challenging form of creative expression for me. I love language and how words resonate, and I love how this site helps you improve that entire process. I’ve had a few pieces published, but I’m really getting started. Revision, informed criticism, reading the work of others—all makes for a better writer and storyteller in the end.
Though not as avid a reader as I once was, I do enjoy reading books. My tastes: Shakespeare, the Bronte Sisters, Charles Dickens, JRR Tolkien, Roberts Heinlein and Jordan, Tery Goodkind, Stephen King, John Steinbeck, Toni Morrison, John Irving, Frank Herbert, et. al.
Best of luck to us all.
Items
Version 1
10 Reviews
2 Comments
"Brilliant," I whispered. Then God laughed.
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Version 2
9 Reviews
7 Comments
You hit me with your self-portrait, marred with ugly moons, you said. You resented my weakness for clove cigarettes and pop songs. You hit me with your beautiful scar, light for a bootblack world, you said. You confessed to waking in darkness, shaking in a cold whitenoise. You stabbed me with your paintbrush, your acetate flowers, your red-stained feet. You admitted to inhaling my turpentine, feeling black-and-blue in love. You hit me with your fear, I said. You said that I hit you with me an...
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Thought-provoking, fairly solid, and clear as a bell. Save for a few metaphorical oddities--do guns writhe? I've fired my father's before, but I don't recall the sensation--and (for me) an over-drawn God element, I think this works very well overall. This is just an idea (LOL--and probably a very bad one, so I understand if you block me forever), but have you given any thought to playing with the poem's physical form (see below) to test your intention? You might want to kick me in the head fo...
The review says that you're under 18, so I'll try to be as thoughtful as I can. This feels like a personal poem, and I think it has the potential to be a poem that others can feel if you steer away from the stuff that's been said before. If you reconfigure this into something less ‘poetic’ and more honest, you just might have something. Besides, I don't think you’re playing to the larger theme here. Birth is violent, yes, and we all experience it. So tell us something new. You have flashes of...
I like this poem. But as it is free verse, I'm not certain that you've explored the physical dimensions of your piece. The breaks don't seem to follow any real logic, and I wanted to see some running. For example (just for illustration): Despite her best intentions, she can’t bring herself to speak; because dreams can get derailed when you’re veering left or right; and there’s no future in hindsight, and no cause worth this fight. Do you follow me? I believe this poem cries out for a clearer ...
I like this poem. It's got real warmth to it. Its simplicity is engaging and honest, and it's refreshing to experience something that impacts with such economy. Overall, it's hard to point out anything that I'd suggest rethinking, other than the formatting--and even that's not that important considering how challenging the text upload feature is. Still, I'm not sure you need the second line. It's your title and may be a little redundant, although that might be a matter of taste. I don't think...
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