From the very beginning to the very end, you have me on this one. A very enjoyable read with strong characters and an excellent _moo_tif with the cows. I love the fact that the cows finish him off in the end. Harry is a likable character with a strong voice. "You weren't happy with the apples." This could be more descriptive. What kind of apple motif was it? "I eat out of cow plates..." I think this should be developed into a longer list of cow stuff. It would add to the humor. Suddenly an id...

In terms of content, I like the cohesive thread of Sam Walton. This works despite the rambling nature of this humorous rant. The topic of HealthCareIllegalImmigrantAbortionMuslimBashing is in danger of becoming the fastest Republican cliché in the book. I'd focus on one of these issues, or at least remove the comments about Universal Health Care since you don't present any arguments against it. Proofreading Notes: relish in (the preposition _in_ isn't needed) 100's of miles = hundreds (spell ...

First, I liked this very much. You have a strong voice, and the humor comes across naturally. Notes: a forty seven year old female = a forty-seven-year-old female (hyphenate prenominal compound modifiers such as this one) ...we are woman. (typo? Or is this a reference to the Helen Reddy song?) ...pants rise went... (Would this be funnier if you used "pants rise fell"?) It's funny but hard to believe that Peggy has been a size two ALL her life. Maybe all her adult life or since puberty?) anymo...

A more positive opening would be "Vampire stories have fascinated readers for centuries." or something similar. You don't want to start on a negative tone. That said, you need something catchier at the very beginning. Save the vampire comment for later. In general, your first paragraph needs to be much shorter, more like a hook (actually more like your second paragraph). uniquely original (redundant) Imagine if you were...(begins a question, but the sentence never becomes a question. Imagine ...

Very tight. The only word I don't see as necessary is "Yes" after "My scarf!" With this one word, I'd make him sound more deceptive innocent at the beginning.

My first response is that the great grandfather's voice sounds too sturdy and even. If he's about to die, wouldn't he speak in an unsteadier tone? With lots of stops and starts? Tweaking his voice to match his age would differentiate it from the narrator's voice. Direct address: When "Grandpa" is used to address the character, it should be capitalized, and there should be commas before and after it if it appears mid-sentence. Also, is this character a grandpa or a great grandpa? Not a fan of ...

Hi Elizabeth, I think what this piece needs is something more specific. The general theme is here (Pride, the description of your military life), but your story would be more compelling if you showed the reader a day out of your training life. Show yourself and other soldiers giving it their all. Notes: survived something everybody couldn't = survived something not everybody could Your opinion that the reservist's job is much harder needs to be substantiated much better. What civilian respons...

I like the idea, but you could save a word by using ellipses instead of "All". The word "Many" is vague when you could use a word that would give your life more character. "Yellow" things happened. Whatever. Your "life" needs more character.

This kept my interest all the way through. *Notes:* everything I touched, the counter (after _touched_ you need the em dash or the colon. The comma implies that _the counter_ and the list that follows is in addition to _everything I touched_. The em dash or the colon would indicate that the list restates or explains _everything I touched_. disinterested means unbiased. You mean uninterested or not interested. This usage is considered an error by most editors (while it is accepted by some). He...

Again, this kept my interest. I would give more thought to how the waitress changes the way she speaks to the main character. I know she's minor, but it would be good to see what effect his panic attack has on her. If the guys in suits were coming in while the main characters was ordering, you'd have more suspense to work with in the dialogue. Notes: blurred vision. I blinked the tears (basically the same thing, so I think you can delete the first part, going straight to _...parking break, I ...