DPF21's profile
AGE:
24
LOC: Camp Lejeune, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 05
LOC: Camp Lejeune, NC
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: November 05
My name is Dan. I’m an aspiring author of both poetry and non-fiction. I’m here in hopes of receiving constructive criticism in order to improve my writing and to just put it out there for people to read. I’d love any comments and I’m very open to any suggestions. Thanks!
www.myspace.com/underwatermakeover
AIM screenname: danyulsan1895
Items
Version 6
4 Reviews
2 Comments
dance |dans| |døns| |dɑːns| verb [ intrans. ] 1 move rhythmically to music, typically following a set sequence of steps : their cheeks were pressed together as they danced. 2 [with adverbial of direction ] (of a person) move in a quick and lively way : Sheila danced in gaily. These are the definitions for the word “dance” according to the Oxford American Dictionary. Though they may seem similar upon first glance, in my experience, they are in fact very distinct. The dancing that most people r...
Version 1
4 Reviews
0 Comments
Written on pages of individual history, Neatly perforated, college-ruled, A note - a breath of fresh air. Chalk dust catches afternoon light; Lunch souring in the stomach. I wrote something down for you On a slice of tree From deep, dark, dappled woods, Sunlight neatly perforating the shadows, Deer carefully cracking the branches. Here it is, passed between sweaty palms. Pencil, pen: Love in its simplest, truest form. Loose leaf: does your heart skip, breath catch? Mine does.
Version 1
3 Reviews
2 Comments
Her house was like a church, A temple to something undefined. I imagined the kitchen once Through the frame of a garage door garage door. I saw an inner sanctum; a tabernacle On which were posted pictures by silly magnets, Newspaper articles and a recipe. There were countertops and pots and pans, Spices and condiments, All things available for purchase At the local supermarket. But aside from the usual apparatuses and seasonings, Behind them or among them, There was a quality that made them u...
Version 5
3 Reviews
0 Comments
Part I: The Roadhouse I’ve never claimed to have much worldly experience. I know that I am grossly naïve. Out of this ignorance I had mistakenly assumed that a “Roadhouse” was something only seen in the slick, blow-dried eighties movie starring Patrick Swayze. But this morning I am here to tell you that the tradition of the Roadhouse is alive and well, thriving here at the outskirts of Raleigh at a club called the Longbranch. When we walk in, the entrance is quiet and subdued. We pass a coupl...
Version 4
1 Review
0 Comments
Part I: The Roadhouse I’ve never claimed to have much worldly experience. I know that I am grossly naïve. Out of this ignorance I had mistakenly assumed that a “Roadhouse” was something only seen in the slick, blow-dried eighties movie starring Patrick Swayze. But this morning I am here to tell you that the tradition of the Roadhouse is alive and well, thriving here at the outskirts of Raleigh at a club called the Longbranch. When we walk in, the entrance is quiet and subdued. We pass a coupl...
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Reviews
I liked this a lot. The dialogue was very funny and sounded pretty authentic, the way a couple of grave diggers would talk. I'm assuming that Mr. Gelsworth is some kind of caretaker or something, someone in charge of Barry and Humphrey. This read to me as a satire. I found parallels in it to times in my own life when a boss of mine got really excited about a dumb idea and dragged a subordinate into it with him. I realize that in this instance, it was actually Humphrey who introduced the idea ...
I love where you are going with this. I happen to know both players and gamers and I agree with your classification of each. I gave you a ten for your goals of becoming a better writer through good feedback and changing someone's outlook, but I gave you a one for your goal of best criticism on Urbis. Not because I think that your work sucks, but because I think it is classified wrong. In my opinion, this is the beginning of a very strong piece of non-fiction, not criticism. I like the piece, ...
That was hilarious. I wasn't sure what to make of it at first. I thought you were just a really right-wing leaning journalist until it became clear that this was just a well executed satire. I loved it. I laughed hardest when the acronym SCREW came into play. Very good work.
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