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AGE:
28
LOC: Houma, LA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 22
LOC: Houma, LA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: June 22
You may recognize this work. I was a major butt before and decided that I wanted to start anew. My bhad alot to do with it as well he leveled with me and showed me the ‘proverbial’ err of my ways. I am going to delete my Killa account and keep this one. I appologize to any writters who I have hurt with my crappy reviews before and hope that it does not affect your thoughts on my work.
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Version 7
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Chapter 3 I stared into the mirror at my newly shaven head. It looked odd and felt weird to the touch. Tommy, Claude, and Butch all stood beside me light reflecting off the shiny new domes as well. Seven games into my first season and we were still undefeated. I had been told that since the schools opening they had never had a record like that. People were beginning to talk state. The guys decided that to insure our streak we should sacrifice a part of ourselves. Our hair was the proverbial ...
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Version 6
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Chapter 3 I stared into the mirror at my newly shaven head. It looked odd and felt weird to the touch. Tommy, Claude, and Butch all stood beside me light reflecting off the shiny new domes as well. Seven games into my first season and we were still undefeated. I had been told that since the schools opening they had never had a record like that. People were beginning to talk state. The guys decided that to insure our streak we should sacrifice a part of ourselves. Our hair was the proverbial ...
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Version 5
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Chapter 3 I stared into the mirror at my newly shaven head. It looked odd and felt weird to the touch. Tommy, Claude, and Butch all stood beside me light reflecting off the shiny new domes as well. Seven games into my first season and we were still undefeated. I had been told that since the schools opening they had never had a record like that. People were beginning to talk state. The guys decided that to insure our streak we should sacrifice a part of ourselves. Our hair was the proverbial ...
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Version 3
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Chapter 3 I stared into the mirror at my newly shaven head. It looked odd and felt weird to the touch. Tommy, Claude, and Butch all stood beside me light reflecting off the shiny new domes as well. Seven games into my first season and we were still undefeated. I had been told that since the schools opening they had never had a record like that. People were beginning to talk state. The guys decided that to insure our streak we should sacrifice a part of ourselves. Our hair was the proverbial ...
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Version 2
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Chapter 3 I stared into the mirror at my newly shaven head. It looked odd and felt weird to the touch. Tommy, Claude, and Butch all stood beside me light reflecting off the shiny new domes as well. Seven games into my first season and we were still undefeated. I had been told that since the schools opening they had never had a record like that. People were beginning to talk state. The guys decided that to insure our streak we should sacrifice a part of ourselves. Our hair was the proverbial ...
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I am sorry about the goal rating though the story was a good one it is really hard to write and expect to have published a work based on an existing franchise. I do wish you the best of luck but honestly with your skill and desire I would step away from the licensed items and create a world of my own design. So I am really grading your writing skill here please excuse me on that. The main thing I see you needing to work on is dialogue structure. Spoken word almost always begins a new paragrag...
I see that you are 16. You are gifted for being so young. I will not waste youre points with heavy handed words nor will I cover those points on which you already know of. What I will do is point out one thing I have noticed that you seem ( as I once did) to overlook. Dialogue. Always remember that most of the time, unless in afterthought and usally only one or two words, dialogue should begin a new paragragh. Though I hate to copy and paste I will give an example. “As you have probably alrea...
First, thanx for sharing, I am an avid reader and writer of fantasy. I will try to only point out the my problem I found in your work. So without further adue. Desciption and grammer, these were the two minor (and very easily corrected) problems. Though I hate to copy and paste I will do so with a small portion to better show you how I would revise it if I were to edit it. If need be I always do the first paragragh, it is easy to find and it seta a good rythym for my input. I hope this helps....
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