HI. well to get to the point first off I have to say you have some spelling errors like this bit here. "her balanced and" Balance not balanced. There are a few of these mistakes. Go through it closely and search for them. Word wont always catch these mistakes, be carefull. Lastly. What I find to be you biggest problem with the Ice and Staz scene is flow. This could be corrected though simple structure. Here is an example of what you wrote. (She was in a desperate need for some new pants. Her ...

Hey good job here I enjoyed it. The only problem I found was the lack of description in the dialogue. I am a stickler for description and think that there is no such thing as too much of it. The more there is to make me se, touch, tatse,etc. the world in which you are relating to me the better. The lack of said description made it sometimes hard to follow who was talking. It became jumbled. This is just my opinion but I think you may have this problem often if not corrected. Thanx for sharing...

This was good, the ending is kinda off to me though. Some of the premises are off as well. Giving a gift to someone you don't know nor have seen is a hard trick to pull off. How do you give it to him or her. Leave it on the stoop? What if someone runs off with it. I just think that paragragh needs to be rethought. Other than that your writing style is good and you have talent keep it up and I hope to see more from you.

Ok, to follow your guidelines. Its cool, now the bad part of cool. Your fifteen which for that age you are a fine writer. For that age that is. What I like about you is you have the beginings of a fine ability in you. The world needs people like you and I, but you need to hone your skills, and I can tell you how to do that. Go to your local library and check out the "Write great fiction" books. they are a valuable asset of mine and have taught me alot.

The only problem that I can say I have with this whole read is, it just felt wierd. Like it was just jarring. The sentences were'nt incomplete they just did'nt flow. I know this is hard to envision what I am talking about but I'll give you an idea. Using the first paragragh. You know how you wrote it so I wont paste it but this is how it seems to me it should be written for flows sake. A couple of weeks had passed since Gibbs’s last encounter with the agent Michael Lawrence though he was cert...

First, thanx for sharing, I am an avid reader and writer of fantasy. I will try to only point out the my problem I found in your work. So without further adue. Desciption and grammer, these were the two minor (and very easily corrected) problems. Though I hate to copy and paste I will do so with a small portion to better show you how I would revise it if I were to edit it. If need be I always do the first paragragh, it is easy to find and it seta a good rythym for my input. I hope this helps....

I see that you are 16. You are gifted for being so young. I will not waste youre points with heavy handed words nor will I cover those points on which you already know of. What I will do is point out one thing I have noticed that you seem ( as I once did) to overlook. Dialogue. Always remember that most of the time, unless in afterthought and usally only one or two words, dialogue should begin a new paragragh. Though I hate to copy and paste I will give an example. “As you have probably alrea...

I am sorry about the goal rating though the story was a good one it is really hard to write and expect to have published a work based on an existing franchise. I do wish you the best of luck but honestly with your skill and desire I would step away from the licensed items and create a world of my own design. So I am really grading your writing skill here please excuse me on that. The main thing I see you needing to work on is dialogue structure. Spoken word almost always begins a new paragrag...