I reviewed this because of the unpretentious title. This made me at first think of the Fort Hood situation, but I pushed that aside. Next, I got a veteran returning from war, possibly suffering from PTSD, or possibly just having trouble getting back in touch with existance away from life-and-death decision. My main problem with this is the verb tense. Everything is happening, nothing happens, or happened, which makes the piece difficult to make into a clear statement. some imagery would be ni...

You have some great imagery in here! particularly strong "sharp crack...bodies burst...soft innards" this was both beautiful and horrific. You are overly wordy for my tastes, just as an example: "She whispers her fears,by dark of night, Her inentions honest,her heart pure. Yet she, a soiled dove." -would be- "A soiled dove by night whispers her heart pure and honest." Cliches that should be rewritten: makes her head spin - moths to the flame "fragrant perfume" -redundant misspelled words : in...

5/7/5 - no nature or season reference - unclear "it". About looking for the soul within the eye? L1 - I love this opening L2 - I found this choppy, no filler but no flow either. L3 - felt unfulfilling to me.

Good intro, not heart-warming, but solid. Sentence structure gets a little comma heavy in places, and some analogies are allowed to run rampant, but overall I still dig it. "it was just that in those few seconds after it happened" -this is clumsy with two unnecessary "it"s and the impression that this change took place in seconds. Why not - "I was [just] busy..." I'm not crazy about the "you" instead of "I", but it does work and it is only a matter of taste. "stun [grenades]" - explosions is ...

Most of the stanzas are written almost journalistically. A style that doesn't lend itself well to poetry. Short direct sentences without detectable rhyme or meter probably isn't the best format. I suggest looking at rearranging words and lines to form a pattern 7 syllables or 10 syllables would be easiest with the amount of content you have here. You have a beautiful story here from what I could understand; a lot of poetic content that worked and a great majority that, for me, didn't do much ...

This is far better than I expected when I read the reviewer's notes warning me that you were only 11 years old! You've have written a better poem than many of the adults I review on here. Needless to say, I'm impressed by your skill level at such a young age. You have alliteration, assonance, metaphor, and in most places a solid 10 syllable meter. My only suggestion is that you level it out, commit to 10 syllables in every line, and pay attention to the stressed ones. As an example: "Leg musc...

Finally a different chapter! I hope you find my review helpful. Notes: You should try to boost the verbs, your style tends to stick with the basics: was, said, walk, run, ask, place, etc., while these will tell the reader "what is happening," it doesn't give them the all important "how it is being done." Adverbs seem to be your answer to that, quickly, oddly, suddenly, gently, etc. I think finding these weak verb, generic adverb combination and replacing them with more powerful verbs would gr...

I enjoyed the poem, especially the use of imagery and offbeat verbs. This is very easy to relate to as there are so many broken families and strained father/daughter relationships out there. I'm having some trouble connecting the first stanza chronicalogically and by subject with the rest of the piece. Where does the transition from braces to bras (great reference) fit in the 2nd stanza which is pretty seemless as you go from single digit ages to 18 years old with your relationship with your ...

This review isn't intended to be entirely negative, I just aim to pointout what I didn't like in an attempt to help you improve. Sorry if this reads as harsh. The general sentiment of the poem is lost by the over use of vague and confused concepts. I think an attempt to define "pure love" and "selflessness" would be a great topic if you maintained that focus. I think avoidance of cliches would be a good stride forward. The phrases "Veiled in mystery" "carnal mind" "heart torn apart" are not n...

Rings of the Dead Kennedys: What you need is a Holiday in Cambodia! This is nothing shocking as far as opinion goes, but it is still sometimes worth repeating. We all adjust to the landscape we are born in, and become insensitive to events we perceive as outside of our control. A sort of Douglas Adams SEP field. "lap tops" -one word "laptops" "the latest headlines" - the latest isn't necessary, headlines implies newness especially with internet news sources. "Desensitized" -this is sort of ha...