DeathlyMuffin's profile
AGE:
14
LOC: North Hollywood, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 28
LOC: North Hollywood, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: February 28
This user has not yet uploaded an urbis user description/profile.
Items
Version 1
3 Reviews
1 Comment
“I have one child speaking Hebrew, one squawking notes, one who is colorblind! And they’re LOST, all LOST!” my mom screamed at the police in hysterics. She won’t stop babbling, I can tell she is ALREADY driving the police crazy. I wanted to scream, we’re just at the ice cream truck, but I knew if I did I would be in a lot of trouble, so I manage to restrain myself. I’m positive my face is turning as red as those chocolate See’s hearts on Valentines Da...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 5
0 Reviews
0 Comments
I sit at the dining room table, eating my apple, with my grandpa on a chair beside, we were talking, until he began to cough, he wasn’t stopping and I didn’t know what to do, I’d been told that coughing was good, it meant the person could breathe. At the time, it felt like anything but a good thing, my grandfather was bent over, coughing and coughing with no end in sight. I couldn’t help think how those people were wrong, coughing doesn’t help. It makes eve...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 3
1 Review
0 Comments
time Inspired by Salvador Dali’s Melting Clocks light falls on the cliff, water seeps into the stone. the bare tree, life seeps away from lack of water, blocks my full view of a smooth metallic surface, aquamarine and made by hands. the leafless tree stands upon a rectangular platform, a stage, now sitting in darkness. the first clock drooped over a branch, hanging out to dry, half the numbers unseen, a hand points to six, no telling whether it shows the hour or minutes, time undone. ...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 2
2 Reviews
2 Comments
time Inspired by Salvador Dali’s Melting Clocks light falls on the cliff, water seeps into the stone. the bare tree, dying from lack of water, blocks my full view of a smooth metallic surface, blue and manmade. the leafless tree stands upon a rectangular platform, a stage, now sitting in darkness the first clock drooped over a branch, hanging out to dry, half the numbers unseen, a hand points to six, no telling whether it shows the hour or minutes, time undone. the second clock draped...
Ratings & Rankings
Version 4
1 Review
1 Comment
I was dropped off at my grandparent’s house, sitting at the dining room table, eating my apple, with my grandpa on a chair beside, we were talking, until he began to cough, he wasn’t stopping and I didn’t know what to do, I’d been told that coughing was good, it meant the person could breathe. At the time, it felt like anything but a good thing, my grandfather was bent over, coughing and coughing with no end in sight. My grandmother entered the room, saw my grandfathe...
Ratings & Rankings
[ View all items ]
Reviews
In the last paragraph on the second page you say without him twice within very close proximity to each other. You might want to change that for flow and just take the second without him out. On the third page second to last paragraph my is capitalized when it shouldn't be. In the last paragraph the wrong kind of to is used, it should only have one o. Also, I would add an is imbetween now and the for flow and clarity.
In the first paragraph instead of saying, "I am going to reveal to you the other reason I chose you," I would take out the to you making it, "I am going to reavel the other reason I chose you." It seems to flow better. On the third page, isn't savy spelled with one v? Besides the thing in the first paragraph, I believe it flows well, and the story kept me interested and wanting to know more.
0.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
1st paragraph 3rd sentence-Its should be it's, Blood should be blood unless you ment for the comma after awful to be a period. 2nd paragraph 2nd sentence-Image shouldn't be capitalized 3rd paragraph 2nd sentence- subtle, and very subtle should be capitalized unless it's a stylistic choice I guess but then the word subtle stands out, which you might want. 4th paragraph 7th sentence-I don't think Eyes should be capitalized 5th paragraph I'm not sure Left to Die should be capitalized, as well as...
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People
