DeltaRail's profile

I think it's a cute little story with loads of potential. Maybe add a little more emotion and why the main character is grinning at the end. I think it's because she's probably proud of herself for standing up to Freddie, but not too sure. Nice peice though.

Okay, don't zap me, I tried to get through this. I think I started to get it - a story of inner thinkings of the man's mind and balance between the mind and body (and maybe I'm wrong). But you totally lost me at the part in parentheses and then he's in a theatre? I do like some of your descriptions. The one about the "sun's teering cirucus show" for the sunrise was good and there were some other ones. Some didn't make much sense. All in all, I'm really sorry, but this piece is just too confus...

Awesome concept and great writing. I read through it quickly and it was definately fun and entertaining. My one complaint is I'd like to see a little more. What the three females looked like, approximate ages. Other than that, this looks like it's going to be an awesome story. I hope read more soon!

This is the first childrens story I've reviewed. I like the beginning. You paint a pretty world that I think will catch a child's attention. It does get very wordy though and I got confused when the bad news comes along. To me, it looks like she hears of this when she's 3 years old. But in the paragraph before that, it appears she is growing up. I think this is a good idea for a longer story. I love the descriptions and the writing is great. Keep going with it, it is a good start!