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AGE:
59
LOC: San Diego, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 12
LOC: San Diego, CA
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: November 12
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Version 1
12 Reviews
2 Comments
American Blues - Prologue Will peered through the porch screen mesh, searching for the slightest movement or smudge of brightness in the inky woods. A tremor of excitement fluttered in his stomach, tinged with just enough fear to make him slightly nauseous. He tried to tell himself it’d be better if Dory didn’t show up—would be a relief. But the reaction of his fifteen-year-old body to the thought of her told him it was a lie. He gripped the boxy guitar by the neck and sat back, propped his b...
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Version 1
22 Reviews
2 Comments
Will pushed the brim of his hat back and squirmed to find a comfortable position on the scarred wooden bench. Rested his left foot across his knee and used a discarded matchbook to scrape off a gray wad of gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe. The air, close and pungent with bus fumes, made his nose itch and eyes water. Sweat ran down his back and dampened the spot where his shirt pressed against the seatback. A layer of lost hope and apathy hung in the air of the Memphis Greyhound station lik...
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The main problems I see with this have to do with telling rather than showing, and point-of-vew. I took the first couple paragraphs and rewrote them in a way that illustrates what I'm saying. Disclaimer: This isn't great writing--just easier to show, than to tell: "Abbie drummed her fingers on the steering wheel and snapped on the radio. Maybe the rush-hour traffic report would tell her how long she could expect to be sitting bumper-to-bumper with a good fraction of Atlanta’s workforce. If sh...
As with the other chapter I read, the sense of time and place is well detailed. And the mysterious man, the mysterious letter, and the cheating husband are all good elements that leave us wanting to know more. Your point-of-view is all over the place. Apparently you are doing omnicscient POV, but I have to say, I think it weakens the power of your story. We jump willy-nilly from one character's head to another within single scenes and even single paragraphs. This has the effect of making it f...
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This is good, clean writing. I can’t comment on the story as I’m coming in mid-stream, but the author has clearly taken great pains with the writing, and it shows. Point of view is well maintained (one slip, I think). There is very little telling outside the events of the story. The dialog is, on-the-whole, natural. Here are some specifics (I didn’t worry about typos or minor punctuation or grammar). I got very picky because most of the writing is so good. “He’d been purposely obtuse since en...
Great atmosphere. Could be a fun story. However, I see several problems. One is that you go from this omniscient voice telling us the story (rather than showing through events within the story), to a few sentences in Sal's point of view (with some telling in there), to a different scene in both Tommy's and Frank's points of view. I think the back story could be integrated into the story line, but if you are going to keep it, you should put a section break between it and the bit about Sal. The...
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I continue to find this story intriguing and, sorry to say, to find similar problems as with the Prologue. The power and impact of the story is weakened by the amount of telling. We would be better off with fewer words and a much more focussed point-of-view. We want to see this story from inside Davy's head--or at least this chapter, since I suspect you'll be doing multiple POVs. But you would have a much stronger piece if the reader had an intimate relationship with the POV character, whoeve...
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