Demona has no favorites yet.
Demona's profile
AGE:
23
LOC: Cave Junction, OR
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 11
LOC: Cave Junction, OR
GEN: Female
LAST LOGIN: January 11
I know i am young, but i hope that dosent effect your view on my story, I’ve been working on it for a long time but i know there is a lot wrong with it so im up for any help. I am a married mother of one, and my dream is to publish my books so that my son can be proud of me and believe that, as long as you work hard, you can have dreams come true.
Items
Version 1
13 Reviews
0 Comments
He felt as if he were trapped in this nightmare. He held the knife, dripping crimson onto the stone floor, unable to scream or cry. The prince was completely powerless over his own body. Against his will, his hand lifte and sank into the body one last time, and then he turned and ran. Something cackled evilly in his brain as he began to regain control of his body. His little legs pumping as fast as they would take him, powered by fear and grief until he slipped and hell. His face slapped agai...
Version 1
18 Reviews
2 Comments
Chapter 1 The air was chilly with the newly fallen snow outside, the stone floor and walls like ice against her skin. Each shuddering breath she took was painful and froze her to the core, her breath steaming as she shivered in the rags that could barely cover the bare essentials. It was a mid-winter snow, and while Tal was a rather cold place in the winter, it was mostly rain and wind. Snow still a rare thing in Bentis, even while the village was much higher, in the only hills that marred th...
[ View all items ]
Reviews
first off all, i was very impressed that your characters and their dialog were so realistic. they had life to them. The overall structure of story line also seems very well thought out and well organized. I was impressed at how easily I was drawn in and how easily you kept my attention. Very impressive.
You have good structure. The way you write it is unique, im not use to it but the more i read the more i liked it. Its different and sometimes that most appealing. Most of the time, if the dialog is laking, i lose interest and stop reading. Your dialog was very realistic, great for the reader. This kind of writing is unusal, but your story line was good enough that I would read on!
This is a great chapter, I didn't catch any errors as far as spelling or grammar, but of course im only one set of eyes. I love this "She couldn’t think and felt powerless to stop him as she felt the heat of his hands on her back pulling her toward him." Such a great line, any woman can relate to this. Your dialog was realistic and well spread out, lots of good dialog can keep the readers mind from drifting. The beginning I think was strong enough, i think it would be stronger with acually st...
first off i like your beginning, right off you caught my attention, but any editor will tell you to spell out numbers. but other than that, wow, i was drawn in. you really capture the characters and make them come alive. great job.
[ View all reviews ]
Favorites
People








