Dennis's profile
AGE:
54
LOC: Enid, OK
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 02
LOC: Enid, OK
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: September 02
Hi fellow writers. I am an unpublished 51 year old amatuer writer. I am looking forward to posting and reviewing here on this site. My interests are horror and fantasy and other typical nerd stuff.
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Version 1
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A shadow moved and Jarrad instinctively touched the hilt of his sword. He peered deep into the dark mouth of the narrow alley where he sensed the sudden movement. Shadows reigned in this section of the city known as Beggar's Blood; a violent corner of the capital city of Kathandria. He drew his zanteer, the magically enchanted fighting weapon of the House of Thorne. The rapier came clear from the leather scabbard on his hip; its razor-thin blade glinted in the light of the two moons of Irth. ...
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There's nothing worse to ruin a totally sexually frustrated evening then to have a flaming sphere from space crash land nearby. It sounds like my teenage love life. I felt sorry for the farmer in the farmhouse who was sitting down for supper and got his house squished by the thing. Interesting chapter. I don't know what was more unbelievable, the sphere from space, or the fact that the captain of the football team would go out with the geekiest girl in school. You have a good writing style. V...
100.0% Review Quality (2 Votes)
Yes, I read the whole treatment. It was strange, humorous, and curiously interesting to read. A rambling account of Byron Gems at trial and telling the events of his twisted young life. You introduce odd characters and weird events with reckless abandon. I like that. You never know where the tale is going to sweep you from paragraph to paragraph. There were places in need of comma's and the like but I tend to miss putting them in my own writing, as well, so I'm not one to talk. One thing I wo...
Very good. Very well written. My only suggestion is too tighten some of your sentences. Shorter sentences build suspense. This is what you wrote: Qebera struggled up yet another dune, the sand shifting under his weight, as supportive, he cursed, as water. He glanced over his shoulder to where they ought to be and, yes, they pursued him, two dunes back, though their numbers seemed fewer than the last time he’d checked. This is how I would have tightened it a bit: Qebera struggled up yet anothe...
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