"I said a silent thank you to them and lay still." - Nice line. I like it. I like Tox - your portrayal of him works. He's the edgy, lucky type of guy with the kind of rapscallion charisma that really pulled me in. You obviously know your stuff; small details like the oregamo plant - if that really exists :) - added depth to the narrative. You write with immediavy, which is unusual for many of action writers out there - but it's your style; what works for you works for you. Don't try to copy a...

The line about things being strange when alive as compared to the concurrent interpretation when you are dead is very smart - and very true. I think this is a great story. There is a subtle way to which you draw out your prose which I think you should continue to employ throught the rest of the novel. Josie is an intriguing character - multi-layered is how I would describe her. I get the sense that there will be a shocking/surprising discovery about her later on - am I right? Either way, I th...

What shines out most from this piece is an ancient, tradition-deep understanding of ancestral culture. that's the best way I can put it. I liked the bit with the children - not too 'cute' and yoghurty but sweet, realistically subtle. It may seem like a small detail, but the 'zipper/zither' interlude was a nice touch. It conveyed childish innocence and excitement in one small exchange. I thought your story was going to be the nice, 'teacher saves the children' type, then you introduced the bit...

That opening scene was excellent. Well done! I admit, I was hooked, man. I like Vince immediately. He's a genuinely strong, sensitive type. Big guy with a big heart. He's the closest character that I've come across since Maximus in the film, Gladiator. I think you handled your balance between description and dialogue well, without letting the tension drop. the fact that there isn't much description about how Claire sounds works because the reader is forced to imagine what she sounds like, the...

I think the first paragraph could be shorter. Perhaps one, max two lines? More effective that way. Nothing wrong with your description - just too much of it, in my opinion. I like the idea of a long descriptive passage before plunging the reader into the action, but I think your introduction is a bit too long; it interrupts the pace of the narrative. There's too much about this guy's thoughts on Chicago for us to take in at once without being distracted from the story. I like the detail about...

Interesting... You've got a great sense of wit, lots of on-the-money sarcasm and irony littered throughout the piece which keeps it light and stops it from being pretentious. I like the "I hate people" line. Very clever. It resonates within the context. You've created a strong character in Andy. Although such figures have been portrayed several times in films, book, plays, etc, he has a freshness to him. Maybe it's because you don't describe him too fully and therefore limit our perception of...

To be honest, I loved this from the mind I saw the symbols at the beginning. The opening paragraph is often a difficult trick to pull off, especially when it comes to portraying different times in the past or future, but you pull it off, excellently. It's brief, but you pour us straight into Nestor's mind and illustrate/translate his thoughts well. The character comes across as a person whom one can quite easily empathise with and, for a protagonist, that is crucial. (I'm reviewing as I go al...

This is a tightly-controlled, subtle piece. The characterisation of Tom is excellent. When Bill was talking to Tom about the 'cutbacks' I felt as if he was talking to me. Even though, I'd only known him for a few minutes, I felt that Tom's personality, was one with which I could easily empathise. The build-up to the ulktimate decision about the promotion was well-done, also. The elaborate descriptions of the restaurant, the power clothes, Tom's banal thoughts about the fragrance were clever r...

Having read Chapter 2 before 1, I can definitely understand the first sentence. Slightly biased, because I'm a firm Tom Stone fan, but it's a resonant line which sets the character up well. "....cursing the morning sun for having the nerve..." It all starts to make sense. Mrs. Attitude. Interesting. (Analysing as I go along.) Her act of tossing the shirt onto the 'dirty' pile. Hugo Boss is a fragrance normally associated with style - it has positive connotations. But because it is connected w...

What type of review do you want? It seems as if this story is meant to be a piss-take of sci-fi tomes whose authors take themselves, or the story, too seriously, in your opinion. That's what comes across from the piece. Grammatically, I felt like you perhaps couldn't be bothered to put in transitional description from one scene to another, so the jump between the portagonist - I assume - and Captain Sheer's dalliance to the command center (?) could have been smoother. For me, a sci-fi story u...