It's a nice poem. I'm not sure where you handed the poem off but there are some flow problems, I think. You start off with a defined meter and rhyme pattern but it changes a few times throughout the poem. When you hit the longer or shorter stanzas, it takes a minute to regroup the meter. When you start out with a rhythm the only reason to deviate is to emphasize a certain segment and I'm not sure that's needed here. Take a second look at the way you break the poem down.

You asked if the idea was any good at all but I'm still not sure what the idea is. I get the impression of some sort of murder mystery brewing when you mention the accident? I have a few problems with the setup though. How and why were they engaged in the third grade? Why were they the only two in their graduating class? Even small towns have more kids than that. What you have here isn't enough to judge the merit of the story itself but you may want to take another look at the pratical elemen...

The most important piece of advice I can give you is to change all of your writing to the active voice. Much of what you write is in the passive voice and it takes away from the strength of the story. For example, here's how I would re-write your first paragraph or so in the active voice without adding or changing anything else. I woke to find myself bound and gagged. Many people would have been shocked if they were in my situation. However, I was entirely too curious. Something like this fit...

I like this story very much. In some ways it's uncomfortable to read, which I think is one of the primary purposes of writing - to make us look at the things which make us the most uncomfortable, to make us face them. A few suggestions to make this story stronger - 1) As a general rule, it's a bad idea to start a story, especially a short story with a dream. 2) Point of View - in a short piece, it is usually better to stay with one point of view, it gives the story better flow and continuity....

I enjoyed this poem and I'd like to read more of your work. I went to a poetry workshop out in Taos and the most important piece of advice I took from there was to never be predictable. You aren't. I particularly like the use of popular references in a way that isn't exactly usual (i.e. your reference to Dorothy and Goldilocks). Your poem challenges me to think, to re-read it in order to understand the layers, in a way that's not completely obtuse. My favorite line is "...and with an indiffer...

I like this story a lot because it touches my personally. I had a grandfather who suffered from dementia at the end of his life and my family had the difficult choice of whether or not to put him in a nursing home. My mom and her two sisters took turns with my grandfather, he'd live at each place for a few months so it wasn't too hard on anyone but he wasn't alone. Eventually though, he needed more care than we could give so we had to put him in a nursing home and settle for a visiting rotati...

I think you've got a great start here. I really enjoy the fact that you don't shy away from the uncomfortable. Your use of metaphors and similies is wonderful but it doesn't balance well with more blantant statements (such as "It seemed to happen quickly but lasted forever") that you might do better without. I have some questions about the contradiction in your main character. You paint him as being a little afraid and unsure (which he doesn't need to spell out in his exchange with Pearl) and...

It's ironic that you say you have no philisophical insight as it seems that's what the character is attempting. You may have the barest bones of a story or character here, but this incarnation needs quite a bit of work if you want to do more than post it on an internet writers group. First, even day in the life pieces typically have something resembling a plot with a beginning, middle, and if not an end at least a place to leave off. Your character spends two paragraphs trying to get out of b...

I always prefer to start out with the positive. You've got a really good technique. The dry humor as Karpathian takes inventory of his senses and physical capabilities speaks to your ability as a writer. That being said, it's a pretty good rule of thumb (and I'm sure you've heard it before) that your book probably starts 10-15 pages after you started writing...and ends about 10 pages before you stop. I think that's the case here. Your pitch letter drew me in. I'm more of a fantasy than sci-fi...

This is a pretty amazing piece. It's difficult to write on topics like these but you do it so well. The strangely seductive tone of the poem captures perfectly that confusing place that's somewhere between horror and learned-response pleasure. I relate. Bravo. If you plan for publication, consider re-working the first and second stanzas to be entirely first person. It might be more powerful if we pick up from the start that the speaker is the subject of the abuse.