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Dj_iii's profile
AGE:
31
LOC: Brookhaven, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 18
LOC: Brookhaven, PA
GEN: Male
LAST LOGIN: April 18
You are probably looking at this user bio because I gave you a review or commented on your work and you clicked on my username only to find that I have no work posted. Well, you will have something to hack up soon enough, my friend, so be patient.
Maybe I wanted to get a buzz going about myself before I unveiled my first masterpiece. Or maybe I am still in the “this fucking sucks” stage of analyzing my own writing skills and am sure that everyone will hate and laugh at me. Or maybe my internet access was limited to the office since I joined Urbis because I had to move out of my old apartment (breakups are fun!) and was living where ever I could lay my unwelcome little head for three weeks.
Truth is, it’s a little of all three.
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This was an entertaining read for the most part, but I might suggest that you add some more traditional story elements and move it to the fiction section. If your goal was to inspire, you have a great start here but you must tie it all together in order for this to seem complete. It ends with all questions and no insight. Maybe look a little deeper and at least give us a theory? Very well written and entertaining, I was just looking for a bit more of a resolution.
Pretty cool story! I like the short sentences, the plain language. I wanted to read more when I got to the end. I think you could expand this. It would be great as a first scene in a longer story. Boots is a strange name for a kid, but I think that makes it more believable, the uncommon name. Pretty disturbing subject matter, and as a guy who gets tired of reading the same old stuff, I dig it. I would still look to make it a little longer though. You could get a lot more out of a premise this...
I see this as kind of a character study told in the first person. It is a good start for a story ( I noticed you said that in your comments). I don't really have any suggestions except all the thinks that are revealed could be spread out with some external events. It is possible that you have a skeleton of the whole story here already.
I think it's a really good idea for a story, and you capture the emotions it seems you are trying for, so good job on that. Some of the paragraghs could be combined, I think. I like short paragraphs too, but when they are used too much a short paragraph loses it's impact. The story becomes a bit too choppy. I also think you could make it longer and take some of those one or two sentence paragraphs and expand on them to flesh it out a little. I really liked it, though. You appear to be writing...
This is a pretty good story, but I think some editing will make it a lot better. I'm not bashing it, I just think there are parts that are not concise enough to make it all gel. I like the casual style of writing, and I think it fits the subject matter well, but I think if you take a step back from it, tell yourself the story in chronological order of the events, and then see what in the story confuses those events, it will help a lot. I'm not saying to tell it beginning, middle, end. I'm say...
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