Body Integrity Identity Disorder – that’s what they call it; these psychologists I’ve been referred to on numerous occasions. Try telling someone you want to lose your leg, see what type of reaction you get. Go on – I dare you. Next time you’re depressed and one of your children asks ‘What’s wrong?’ just try saying, ‘I’ve got two legs, that’s what’s wrong.’ Do you expect they might understand? They won’t - they’ll label you mentally deficient – you obviously have some type of problem. They’ll...

Stanley knife – check. Hacksaw – Check One litre bottle of cheap Vodka – check. Soldering iron – check Clean bandages – check. Needle and thread – check. Surgical tubing – unavailable, but I got myself one of those ratchet straps which should suffice. Ratchet strap – check – looks like we’re good to go. I’m lay in the bath, naked. I say lay, I mean wedged. My checklist of tools is spread out on the toilet seat next to the bath and around the rim of the bath itself. I take another swig of chea...

Smiler – we had thought it might evolve into one of the most pointless projects we’d ever undertaken. If only that were the case. I guess when you put so much effort into something, then something is bound to come of it, remember Newton’s third law of motion, ‘Every action has an equal and opposite reaction,’? It should all have been harmless fun, a stupid pointless project done just for the sake of doing it. Instead we’re mourning the loss of one of the founding members of the Doogy Rev cla...

Johnny and Swill the idiot savants get ants in their deviant pants and drag their lazy cohorts along with them on a comical quest through the pubs and bathtubs of middle England. A quest to find the elusive Smiler – even though they don’t actually know what Smiler is. Potentially it’s the most pointless project they’ve ever undertaken, but as Newton’s third law of motion states: “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”... _Ineffaceably indicative of my desire to kiss your ass for en...

Johnny and Swill the idiot savants get ants in their deviant pants and drag their lazy cohorts along with them on a comical quest through the pubs and bathtubs of middle England. A quest to find the elusive Smiler – even though they don’t actually know what Smiler is. Potentially it’s the most pointless project they’ve ever undertaken, but as Newton’s third law of motion states: “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”... So, by attempting to write a completely meaningless book, the...

In this their latest project, Johnny and Swill the idiot savants get ants in their pants and drag their lazy cohorts along with them on a quest to find the elusive Smiler – even though they don’t actually know what Smiler is. Potentially it’s the most pointless project they’ve ever undertaken, but at Newtons third law of motion states, “Every action has an equal and opposite reaction”... Meaning it might possibly be the most important book you'll ever read.

It’s true what they say – when you die your whole life does flash before your eyes. Well, the random, seemingly meaningless bits of it do anyway. That done I’m free now to focus on that other old cliché – the white light at the end of a tunnel. Time has no use in this tunnel, when you have left your physical self behind then time is of no consequence. It’s a strange state of affairs, and all but impossible to describe, I am but a thought drifting, I no longer matter – I no longer am matter. W...

‘What’s everyone’s plans for tomorrow night?' the Senator asks. ’Does anyone fancy the cinema?’ Gregdude is first to respond. ‘What did you want to watch?’ ‘Well I was thinking about ‘Brokeback Mountain’ it’s a cowboy film where…’ Gregdude cuts her off. ‘Cowboys? Cool – why don’t we all dress like cowboys, it’d be really funny?’ We all look at each other for a split second, Gregdude obviously has no idea what the film is about, otherwise there would be no way that he’d want to go and watch a...

Smiler phase two. Dead in the water. Or maybe just floating face down, waiting to be plucked from the murky depths by some Speedo'd lifeguard. Last night was supposed to see Smiler ascend to the next level; we were supposed to do something constructive. We were supposed to make or do something that would give me something substantial to write about whilst negating that nagging feeling I have that this is all just a waste of my already limited time and resource. It should have all been about c...

‘Oi cunt!’ I spot some cunt my old man knows up the bar, stood with some piece of splitarse. He knows I mean him, cos the pub isn’t that busy but the cheeky fucker still thinks he can ignore me. ‘Oi, does yer missus fancy a fuck?’ No answer. ‘Well then can you get ‘er to lie down while I have one!’ Heh, the old ones are always the best ones, but this cunt still ain’t biting. ‘Oi! Do I look like a fuckin cunt?’ Ignorant arsehole just turns his back on me. ‘Oi! Cuntybollocks, ah bought yo momm...