Before the world had even begun there was darkness. Goog beginning Mother Nature was: a beautiful essence, a beautiful gathering of thoughts, spending her time dancing within the confinements of the stars. Then for some reason, out of no where, boredom whipped her lonesome mind. Mother Nature was in shock. Try to reword the was's out of this. I just don't like the way this part is worded. There was on problem that i noticed the most yuo have 38was and 20 were. Try to reword as many of these o...

my head is thick with the shit This was the only line i had troupble with. Shit is not the word to use here, it drew my attention away from the otherwise excellent piece. IT was good

I liked it adn will read more when posted, but i did notice two problems. But when she turned around to confront the goblin, he hit her on the back of her head. Everything around her became dark, and as if from a distance she could hear the disgusting laughter of the goblins and their master. This sounds a bit ackward. Try this: But when she turned to confront him, he hit her on the back of the head. Everything around her became dark, and as if from a distance she could hear the disgusting la...

Below are the problems I noticed. One that seemed to pop up a few times was two sentances that sounded like they should have been one. I liked and and was surprised to find myself at the end. This is a good piece of work and will become better after a few edits. We’ve all had it happen. Usually in a passing flutter, gone more quickly than you could even really notice it. But I’m talking about the really intense ones. The ones that you know, at that particular moment, that this thing you are d...

glare he stood up to go after her.” I'm sure that quotation mark isn't suposed to be there. I can't give an example for this one, sorry, but I couldn't see it... the story is good but it would be better with more description so your reader will see the story take place. He also understood that it was senseless to dwell on what the future might bring. After all, you can never even begin to guess what might happen in the future. Being here in this world proved it. In his wildest dreams he would...

His mind jumping act is intresting and intreges me. It was nicely worded and written to keep me intrested. I liked it, sorry I can't give examples but I liked it all, and thats a compliment. I'm sorry, I do apologize, but I have nothing to say about it to hep you improve. This piece is excellent, and kept me into it to know the ending, to who won. It was so goo di had no problem getting through the 23 pages. Good work!

Not sure what else to do, I quickly shielded my icy blue eyes with my glasses and swung my dark jacket onto my shoulders as I followed. My head told me to run; screamed out at me and begged me to run. Okay... I see aproblem here, though it could jsut be me... You repeate my and me to often here, I would suggest rewording it so it sounds better. For Ex: My head told me to run; screamed and begged me to run. You slowly started to loose my intrest, but the following passage brought me right in a...

You will probably hate me for this and want a refund, most do, but I see nothing wrong with this piece. I would say it was complete and go on to the next chapter to work on. If this was a published book I'm not sure I'd eb able to stop. I loved it. good plot adn story line, believable characters and I could see it. Now this doesn't go for grammer and spelling,seeign as I was always bad at that, but everthign that I see is perfect. He carried on his seemingly aimless sorting and shuffling for ...

Nobu set out along the Sandspills with his father Amado to learn the Dying Way. He knew nothing of the way himself, nor how it was to be taught. All he knew was that it was the only path he could take; Amado gave him no other choice. Good beginning. I don't have much to say, but I'll over this, get a thesarus and try to make the words more intresting, trap your reader in the story so they are helpless to stop. within the darkness. The air seemed No space. It was good, I just didn't find the n...

I was unsure of how many days passed as I lay in the grass, but by the rising and falling of the sun, I believed it to be around half a week. For those three days, I lay in the meadow writhing in agony without the strength to move, with no food or water and my head filled only with thoughts of death. I prayed a coyote or bear would come along to end my suffering, but even late in the night when the animals’ howling and calls sounded very near by, no creature ventured close enough to so much ...